I'm 30 weeks pregnant on Sunday with baby number 2. First child is 7 years old and her father was highly abusive during and after pregnancy (I've been with a very supportive partner for nearly 4 years now).

I had an emergency section after waters broke green and labour didn't progress. I fell asleep soon after LO was born and woke up to lactation nurses touching me and forcing my baby to feed. Having been subject to rape and sexual abuse this frightened me so deeply but nurses said I had to feed LO right away.

After that I tried to breastfeed, and just when I managed, her father came in and told me how I was doing it wrong and would keep trying to snatch her off the nipple or force my breast into her mouth. after that she refused the breast outright leading to dozens of attempts ending in tears and bleeding.

When I think of breastfeedng I feel shame, dread and an overwhelming feeling of disgust and panic. I am planning on pumping for this baby, bit I'm scared of being called out as our local health visitors take the opinion of anything other than breastfeedng being neglect.

I've meditated on this so much, read up, gotten therapy but I can't shake the feeling of deep shame and disust at the idea of me breastfeeding.

can anyone else relate?