I’m embarrassed and scared to post. 😥 It’s kind of long and I’m really sorry but I need help.

Essentially when I was 16-17 I dated this kid for a year. He abused me in every sense of the word. Physically, sexually, emotionally. When sexually abusing me wouldn’t get him off for whatever reason he would beat the hell out of me and tell me it was because I wasn’t attractive enough or because he was annoyed with me, things like that. He has the exact same name as me even spelled the same so I don’t go by my name I go by the first letter, which is J.

I’m 21 now. I’m married and we’re trying to conceive. My husband has a lot on his plate. Monday through Friday from 6PM to 3AM he works as a cook. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday he works a painting job from 6AM to 3PM and sometimes he stays until 5PM when he has to leave for the night job. Then on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays he has dialysis due to severely reduced kidney function from 6AM to 11AM. He’s such a hardworking man and he treats me SO well. I literally could NOT ask for a better husband.

He obviously doesn’t get much sleep and worries about a lot. Which means when we have sex sometimes he can’t finish. I get that, and I understand it 100%.

But when he can’t finish I get this wave of anxiety. Was it me? What did I do wrong? Why aren’t I good enough to make him finish? What can I do better? Is he going to hit me? Is he going to choke me?

It’s like when it happens I no longer have the logical mind that knows he can’t finish because of how much he works to provide for me and our fur babies and our someday rainbow baby. When it happens I am overcome by this fear and I have BIG panic attacks.

I know it hurts him because he didn’t do anything to deserve this. He’s never laid hands on me, he’s never continued with sex unless I gave him the go ahead, he won’t even push me to go to a movie theatre because he knows it’s also a trigger. And honestly I think it makes him more worried so that he can’t finish.

It just feels like an impossible situation. Has anyone gotten over their triggers? If so, how? I’m still in therapy and have anti-anxiety medication, but I want to know what we can do.

Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far. ❤️❤️

Here’s a picture of us because we’re cute and I’m so unbelievably lucky to have him. 😍