Dear ex. I miss you. It’s been 2 months and it hasn’t gotten easier. I’ve just gotten used to the pain. I dont know what happened to us.

You promised we’d be together forever and you would always be there for me. I didn’t know what I did to get so lucky with you. You made my heart so happy. You made me so happy. Maybe it was the military? Maybe a new base scared you or maybe what we had being so real scared you. You say it was your depression. But I don’t think it was.

Maybe it was the wanting to be single with the new freedom. Whatever it was I didn’t see it coming. Not after everything you’d said. Not after the I love you and only you. The I thought I loved people before but then I met you and I finally knew what love was. You promising me and making me promise to always love and to be the one you married.

You’d always say you don’t know what you’d do without me.

So what do you do?

Do you sit there at night thinking about me like I think about you?

How we had something so great. A once in a life time thing and it’s gone? Because I do. I remember every conversation we’d have. The things you’d laugh at or make me laugh at. How we talked about kids names. Wedding locations. Forever homes. Growing old together.

Can the military change someone so much? Maybe it was coming home and being surrounded by your friends and drinking with them and having guys night every night. I thought we were great. I thought you were great.

You’d always text back. You’d always call. We always fell asleep on the phone. I couldn’t sleep without talking. But then it stopped.

I’d always ask after I sensed it if we were okay.

Your answer? “Yeah of course”

But you stopped randomly saying “I love you”

You stopped caring about if we talked

You started telling me you’d come home that night but stayed out and I’d wake up panicking because you weren’t home. I’d lay there wondering if you were hurt. It was my biggest fear, you being hurt. Me having to bury you.

We went a week without calling.

And when I asked again one day if we were okay. You said “tbh idk”

Could you hear my heart shatter? I did.

I tried to get you to talk. But you wouldn’t. You never talked about your feelings. I always did.

You did some things to really hurt me. That morning I woke up and you hadn’t hung up the phone and I heard you telling your roommate about our fight that night and how you hung up on me “because your roommates advice was to do it”. Do you know how sick I was worrying over what that meant for us?

I forgave you.

I had thought my heart was pretty damaged after that. But then I knew what damaged was. It was “tbh I dont know”.

I would say “I don’t think we should break up”

You would say “I don’t either”.

Do you realize there were ropes on my heart being pulled. Every time you’d say something to worry and upset me it was tugged one way but you’d always yank it back by saying you didn’t think we should break up either.

We finally talked that night. You acted normal. You sounded happy. Little did I know it’s always calm before the storm.

The next day you sent me a paragraph saying “I honestly think we should break up.....” along with other stuff.

How you weren’t ready for the commitment (even though 5 months seems committed enough to me)

You didn’t wanna commit to a future right now.

You said it wasn’t fair to me that you did that. And you’re right it wasn’t.

So when you called 20 minutes later and I heard you crying because I was crying hysterically I knew you didn’t wanna do it. I knew there were other reasons. But you never said anything else.

It was an hour of crying. Sobbing. Wondering what I did to ever deserve my heart to be so so broken by someone I loved with all my heart. It wasn’t fair.

I’d ask if we could just take a break. Maybe breath a little. You agreed. We’d not talk or anything until that Thursday which was 3 days away.

So when Thursday came and you texted it made me have hope. You hadn’t forgot.

We texted all day as much as I could while at work. But that night when you said you’d come home to talk and didn’t, I knew it was over.

I texted you and called. I got nothing. I worried all night. Thought to myself “he’ll call it’s okay. Just sleep and when you wake up your phone will be ringing”

Nothing.

So when you finally texted Friday morning. I let you have it. How could you get so drunk you forgot? How could you let me if all people think you were dead in a street because you were taking your car out after fixing it to test drive.

After I spent 5 minutes texting you and you said 2 words.

“I’m sorry”

That’s when I asked “we’re done aren’t we”.

You said “I think so”

I cried at work. That night I got my friend and drove 2 hours just trying to clear my mind. We ate and came home at 4 AM.

I haven’t gotten over you. I never will. I truly think you were my one true love. I’ll never understand why we had to break up. I wonder if you miss me. Miss us.

Because I will. I do. Always.