I’m so mad at myself.

I woke up at 4 this morning because I was starving and uncomfortable. As I laid in bed I thought about how the last thing I needed to do was eat, since I’ve put on more weight than i expected in between doctor visits.

I made myself a deal, if I got up and weighed less than “x” amount, I would let myself eat a granola bar before going back to bed-otherwise I would just go to sleep. This was because I just “knew” the doctors scale had to have been wrong.

I got up, and even though I weighed more than my agreed upon amount, I ate because it was physically hurting my stomach. Then, I got undressed, looked at my figure and cried in the shower because I couldn’t believe how much I have let myself go.

I got out of the shower, got dressed for the day, put on some make up thinking “I won’t cry if I put my face on, this shit is too expensive” and began to clean my house.

I kept going until I felt Rylan moving around a lot and it became uncomfortable so I grabbed my water bottle to sit down. I scrolled through my phone looking for the times the store opens so I can get my errands done and stopped when I saw the background on my phone, my babies 4D ultrasound picture.

Immediately the tears began to flow again. How awful of a mother must I be to feel utterly and completely disgusting when I have the most beautiful little boy in my uterus? How young, stupid, and immature must I be that I let the words of some stupid girl get to me so much that I considered starving myself and my baby?!

I hate that I felt this way, I hate even more that I almost jeopardized the most amazing thing I have ever made because of the stupid body image problem I have had my entire life.

But as I sit here writing this I can’t help but feel a burden lifted from my shoulders because I am so proud of what my body has created, I am so thankful for the little boy I have been given.

My body will never be what it was 8 months ago when I was begging the universe and every God out there to help me get pregnant. I may never get back to the shape I was in. However, I have a husband who adores me, an amazing support group to help me, and a baby boy on the way who has already changed so much of my life. All of my wishes have been granted and I will be damned if I let myself ruin any part of this amazing blessing I have been given because of the words of another person, or the diseased, cruel and unfair thoughts in my head.