I’ve learned that TTC does not always happen the instant you decide you’re ready. And that is scary. It’s frustrating. At times- it’s maddening.

You wait so long, trying to do your best to have everything in line to BE READY- and then poof a month goes by, 3 months, a year- and for some of us even longer 😢

The whole time you’re wondering “what am I doing wrong?”. “What more can I do?”

And while you let these questions plague your everyday, life outside of you is still happening, your girlfriends are still announcing pregnancies, your sisters, cousins, in-laws are still having babies. And you’re not.... yet.

Suddenly- it feels like overnight you’ve become a fertility expert in your own right, you’re doing the temping, the methodical planning of baby dancing, ovulation tests vitamins, preseed- and then during the dreaded 2 week wait you’re testing 7 days too early just because “mayyybbbeee” you’ll prove the stats wrong. If you’re like me you cleaned Walmart out of their cheap 88 cent tests and you’re waiting on an amazon order to deliver 50 HCG test strips for $15. All because you’re hopeful those symptoms you think you’re having are indications of the awaited BFP.

The problem is, that feeling of hope is more than that. It’s sooooo much stronger than that. It’s a need. It’s a be all/ end all type of mood. And that makes the two week wait a battle. And your body feels it. Your hormones react to it accordingly. Your moods and behavior do as well. You fight with your significant other- aka your partner in all this. Perhaps you find yourself feeling more impatient with your kids if you have any already- and ultimately you feel like shit, like you’ve become the big bad wolf and everyone else thinks of you the same. But you never meant any harm- so that makes you feel even worse- because all you want is to have a baby to love and be good to you- however at times this draining process can bring out the worst of anyone!

I have allowed stress to just ruin this whole experience for me, and it’s not helping my progress. All I did was dwell on those crucial few days when I could test, and I did test- A LOT- and every negative propelled me further down a hole of bitterness and anger. I didn’t WANT to be happy for my pregnant friends. Plus I wanted to scream at anyone complaining about trying for 3 months, even 6, with no luck. I justified it by thinking MY journey was harder, so YOU don’t have a reason to complain. (Awful yes).

I was losing my sense of compassion because all I could focus on was my own sense of dread and defeat. And I still wasn’t pregnant. Just feeling out of whack because here I am, mad at the world, unable to feel joy for other people’s happiness- and that isn’t me. I’ve made a life out of wanting to help guide others to positivity- why am I rebelling against it?

So- I’m done with the negatives, not only the ones I get on a test or when AF shows- ALL of them. I am a mother, and my journey to conceive my beautiful daughter was long and hard. It’s the same now trying to conceive another- long, painful, and not much I can do to change it but keep plugging away.

I am deciding to embrace this road, and all that comes with it with as much positivity as I can muster. It’s not always easy, but dropping away the nagging negatives helps! Particularly choosing to embrace “ME” again, and focus on the important parts of my life that inspire me to keep going. The values I hope to pass on to all my children- are meaningless if I forget to practice and put them into play everyday.

Whether you have a child already, or a supportive spouse/ significant other, embrace those you do have NOW. They’ve been in your corner thus far- they’ll be there when you need them most, and vice versa. Never let them go a day without knowing how much you care :) I hope you never go a day without knowing how much you are cared about as well!

I truly am happy for every woman reaching or close to her BFP. No matter how long it took to get there, or what your journey looked like. Whether your struggle with TTC is a month long or years- I congratulate, send baby dust, good health and positive vibes to you all!

Happy Holidays and a Very Happy New Year! 🎊 ❤️