Alone on New Years

Who stayed home at home for New Years because their depression got so bad they couldn’t get out of bed 🙋🏼‍♀️ this is the first holiday I’ve ever spent alone. I usually have the mental strength to make myself go out and do stuff but I couldn’t today. I’ve been numb this past year and the only thing I feel is hurt. I try to chalk it up to teen feelings/hormones and I attempt to ignore my depression because everyone I know brushes it under the rug. I feel as if I’m just waiting for someone to shake me and pull me onto my feet because I’ve done it for myself my whole life, but I can’t anymore. My mom acts like I’m lying, my dad doesn’t care, and my sister wouldn’t lift a finger to help me. I’ve never felt anything towards my family, ever. They didn’t raise me the first 10 years of my life so I don’t see them as my parents. I say ‘I love you’ only because they get mad when I don’t. Unfortunately I’ve been saying those three words without meaning for months and now one had noticed. I’ve faked I love yous, smiles, and just about everything else to everyone.

I haven’t thought of suicide in years but this week it’s been in the back of my mind, and tonight I REALLY thought about it. I don’t have the courage to do it, so I go back to planning my life anywhere but here.

I can’t take this anymore ya know?, I can’t take acting my way through life and not feeling anything. I want groups of friends who I don’t have to make excuses to get out of hanging with them. I have several groups/cliques of friends but no close friends and I think that’s my problem. I have no one. People always come to me for problems but I can never go to anyone else. I’ve tried a few times but they always change the subject when I try and bring up a problem I have. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been told ‘you aren’t the only one’ and ‘I understand’ but no one ever explains how the understand or relate. I just need someone to talk to, to give me a reason to get up in the morning. My reasons are dying in two weeks. And I’ll be back at square one. Except this time I have enough money to leave. I’ve always planned to leave home instead of committing suicide. I still consider suicide but I’d never do it. I have this bag that I keep and go through when I feel like leaving. I’ve never had the money until now, but now I have responsibility. But they are gone in two weeks. So what’s keeping me here?