there have been times where ive wanted to be a mom but ive always hated the idea of being pregnant. i am absolutely terrified of giving birth and always have been. im not scared of the pain associated with giving birth, i have tattoos and piercings, sure pain sucks but that isn't where my fear comes from. i am absolutely horrified of dying while giving birth. sometimes i look at this pregnancy as a death sentence for myself rather than adding another life because i am so terrified that i am going to die while giving birth. not only am i scared, my boyfriend is scared too! im 21 years old and have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. i have a terrible fear of taking medicine and absolutely refuse to do so and always have since i was younger. the thought of an epidural scares the shit out of me but i have been told it is for the best. i have a huge fear of losing control of my movements and the ideas that an epidural makes you slightly numb and can limit your motions horrifies me. i have never had a surgery in my entire life, not even a minor surgery like a wisdom teeth removal. not only does the idea of giving birth scare me, the idea of being pregnant scares me as well. i know most people think pregnancy is a beautiful thing but the idea of something growing inside of me and shifting around my organs is mortifying to me and when i look at images of babies growing it makes me terrified. im scared i wont be capable of finding a doctor who i can get familiar and comfortable enough with to trust that i am not going to die and am making the right choice in how i will give birth.