I feel numb. Pictures included.

I knew the exact moment I lost my son, but I shook it off until later that night thinking that maybe he was just getting comfortable to sleep. My daughter loves to listen to his heartbeat right before bed, so I got the Doppler all ready and spent 20 minutes searching and not finding anything, which was very unusual, see as I typically found it right away. I shook it off again and decided that maybe drinking something sugary would wake him up and bring him out of hiding, it did not. I still hadn’t felt him. I went to bed praying to God that I would find it in the morning and if I didn’t that I would call my on call doctor. Morning rolls around and I still can’t find his heartbeat, he’s still not moving and I can feel his tiny body in the same exact spot that it was in the previous night. I call my on call doctor and she immediately tells me to go into the ER. So I do, they do and ultrasound and there’s nothing. No blood flow, no heartbeat, no movement. He passed away around 4:30pm December 30th, 2017. I was sent up to labor and delivery and was induced into labor. I had my son January 1st, 2018 at 7:20am. He weighed 4.5 oz, 8 inches, and 100% perfect. He had accidentally gotten strangled by his cord. My heart aches for him. He was my double rainbow, as I had two previous early miscarriages before him. I can’t stop crying, my heart feels shattered, it’s hard to breathe. I want more children as soon as I can try again, but I am afraid of having another stillbirth.

Any one who has had a stillbirth and then had a perfect pregnancy please give me hope, because right now I have none. 💔

This is my perfect little guy. Niles Edward Bowers. Born at 18 weeks gestation.