This is my first post on this community so sorry if I sound weird or something like that...

I've been on break for a month and am going back in the upcoming week. During this break, I have not thought anything suicidal or over-degrading to myself about myself. As soon as school comes back however, I get anxious, stressed, overly self depreciative, and when things do get to their worst I get so depressed I think of hurting myself. Maybe as a type of punishment for not doing well enough, getting my mind off of the mental or emotionally taxing things, etc. I've had this problem for a while now, maybe 3 years, and it doesn't help that I have to be better or just as good as the siblings gone before me. I'm already tired from talking about it, thinking about those times makes my chest feel like it's being squeezed inside. It's ache-y and dull. I've gone to a professional but it's so freaking expensive and it worries my parents so much that I'm so much more emotional and different than my siblings and most people who they compare to me as an age standard they hold. I need some advice on how I need to change or we adjust my way of thinking, because if this keeps going on, it will undoubtedly get worse...

Thank you, sorry for being a pain :')