okay y'all... tomorrow is the day. my dad will be here at 8:30 am to move my son and I down to Louisiana till I can get to Texas to live with my friend. I can't help but have all this anxiety. these last few days I've been having a whirlwind of emotions and multiple anxiety attacks. I'm trying to stay calm and collected so my soon to be ex won't know what's going on. I wish I didn't feel like I have to hide this from him, I wish I wasn't scared of him but I at the same time though I'm feeling guilty about leaving the way I am. I feel bad for making him believe everything is okay when it's not. I'm terrified of him I'm scared for my son I hate when he gets on top of me at night or forces me onto him I hate myself I just wish tomorrow was here already. most of my sons and my things are packed and what can't fit in the suitcases are going in trash bags or just aren't coming with us. my mom is supposed to bring my sister tomorrow to watch my son so we can load the truck up. I know I'm going to have e a break down. I know I'm just going to cry. my parents don't know half of what I've been through and I'm ashamed for them to find out. the only person I can talk to about this is my friend ethen and I'm trying so hard to. otherwise even tell him everything because he hates how he can't come get me himself. he's working plus getting the room ready for my son. one thing is for sure though thanks to ethen I've been able to stay strong. he's my best friend. I am truly blessed to have known him and for him to offer us a place to live and an opportunity at a new start. I don't think my stepmom has told my dad my plan to move to Texas which sucks because that means I have to listen. to my father lecture me about it. but to be fair I did send a group message stating that I had said friend in Texas whom i was going to move in with after I got down to Louisiana. one more night. one more night of hardly any sleep because I ha e to keep my eyes openn to make sure I don't wake up being choked again. one more night of fake I love you and hiding my tears. one more night and this caged bird is finally free. I really hope he doesn't stay home from work tomorrow...I have this horrible feeling he's gonna a try. and let me be clear I can not deal with that. and I don't want to put my father on a situation that might jeopardize his career. last update will be tomorrow evenin when I will be at my father's. I hope one day my son understands why mommy took him and left his father. but regardless I'm protecting my child by whatever means necessary. thank you all who have given me encouraging words and hopeful prayers. this is it ladies. I'm finally going to be free.