THIS IS LONG SO SKIP IF YOU DONT WANNA READ

Alright y’all. So. I’m a senior. In 8th grade, I liked someone and told him. He returned the feelings. My friend liked him as well. She got mad that I finally got the courage and I backed off bc I knew she was prettier and better for him and all that. They started dating on New Years our frosh year, and that lasted until that September, when she cheated on him.

She broke it off, and begged me to take her side. But I couldn’t just leave him heartbroken, because I still liked him.

I was in the middle, still very close to her but growing increasingly close to him. Most nights we were up until 1 or 2 am talking and dreading the 6 am wake up.

One night, he got drunk, so drunk he didn’t remember that night. He had told me he loved me, not her. He never loved her as much as he loved me. I panicked and hung up, telling him to go to bed. The next morning he had a wicked hangover and I didn’t bring up what had occurred. Then we were back to normal.

This continued until the New Year had rolled around. He was lonely and sad because it reminded him of her.

So he asked me to come over. And dumbly, I said yes.

He was my first kiss, first make out, first guy to get under my shirt and look at me as someone other than “one of the guys.”

I spent 12 hours at his house, and left craving more. We didn’t meet up at his house again, and 2 weeks later he’s back w his ex. I distanced myself from them both, but over summer he and I grew close again.

It was more than friends thing. There was an unspeakable sexual tension that lead us to staying up all night, talking about not so innocent things. When summer ended, the want for him dissipated, until the next break. This cycle repeated until I had a boyfriend.

He kept his distance but would occasionally ask for a nude. I declined, and 6 months into dating that boyfriend, I was single once more.

The guy took his time approaching me, though, watching me jump to three different guys in a short time span, until he reached out to me, once more sparking the sexual tension.

And I was back in the dangerous cycle of playing this game with him. All summer, he offered to sneak me out of my house and he’d cheat on his girlfriend just to be with me. Just to share that moment we could both see on the horizon.

But I always declined because I couldn’t let him do that to her or himself. Shortly after, summer break had ended and we were beginning our senior year.

I got a new boyfriend in the two months of being back. And I would rather get hit by a semi truck than hurt him. I love him with all my heart. He’s a blessing that I didn’t know I needed, but I wanted.

There have been times where the guy from before makes comments like “goddamn you’re thick. I could barely keep my eyes off you”. The only time he saw me all last semester was when he was with his girlfriend so that had me slightly shook.

Today, he was walking towards my group and winked at me. I’ve been reading a lot of romance novels lately so maybe it’s just me being naïve but I swear to god I felt my stomach twist in absolute lust and I know for a fact that we’ll never get together while dating other people. And I don’t plan on breaking up with my boyfriend.

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest, because I can’t share it with my

Best friend, as he’s best friends with my boyfriend.