Rape anxiety

Hi, it is my first time posting something like this anywhere, or even speaking about this.

I’m not sure if anyone will even read this, but I just need to speak about this.

So, in 2013, I met this boy, I was thirteen, he was sixteen.. I fell in love and we were in a on and off relationship, he cheated multiple times, yet I was stupid and gave him chances again and again.

One time it got too far when I found out he had slept with someone.

I had decided this was the last straw and I wasn’t going to be with him again.

I was still heartbroken and loved him (he was the first guy I ever fell in love with; my first and only kiss)

We didn’t go to the same school, and I was now 15, and he was 17

He messaged me apologising again and again for many weeks, I still didn’t give in, but I still loved him and I was missing him. And then we started talking and he asked me to meet him one last time, and there are these woods next to the school I was at.

I agreed, I went to see him.

I arrived and he was stoned, and I was still annoyed at him, so I was acting a bit bitchy, and I had made him angry before when we’d been together so I didn’t think he would lose it. But he lost his temper, he started to push me against the wall, and he hit me, i was screaming at him and telling him to let me go, and then he held me arms back with one hand and was using the other to put in my trousers and he was going into my underwear. But like after this point I was shouting and screaming for my life, and suddenly I couldn’t breathe, and I didn’t know it at the time but I was having a panic attack. And then all I remember after that is there was a man walking his dog who started shouting what’s happening leave her alone, get off her, and then he got off me and went towards the man, and I ran back to school. And I just cried in the toilets, and didn’t say anything to anyone, until I saw one of my friends. She just looked at me and she could tell something had happened. And I just said we got into a fight. And I had to go to my exam, this was the day I had my GCSE physics exam.

Anyway, after this I had severe pain in my vaginal area, and I even went to hospital a few weeks later in pain, and they told me there was nothing wrong. But asked if I’d ever had trauma to the area, and I said no.

And I pushed it all away, and told myself nothing happened we just got into a fight. And I resulted in smoking for a while, until one day I realised I shouldn’t let him ruin my life. So in year 11, once I was 16 I decided to never smoke again, and I focused on my education. But once it got to my exams, during my physics exam I had a panic attack, and everyone till today thinks the panic attack was because of the exam, but it was really because it was the physics exam in year 10 that it happened in.

So then I started sixth form, in a new place. But I’ve started having panic attacks all the time now, where they’re even causing me to pass out, and I can’t sleep at night. And sometimes it’s like I’m so scared he’s going to hurt me, and I see him, when I’m having my panic attack I can see him there, and I tend to have panic attacks more during exams, and everyone thinks I panic because of exams, but it’s because exams now remind me of what happened. And make me feel like I’m in that situation again.

But worst of all, till today, 2 and a half years later, why are my panic attacks worsening now, and it’s like I don’t even know if he did rape me, I don’t know if I’ve lost my virginity or not, and I can’t do anything, I can’t tell anyone or speak out about this, and it all just hurts, and no one understands, and I could never tell anyone because it’s my fault, I dated him, and I went to see him that day when I shouldn’t have. And I feel everyone would blame me and not him.