I recently got out of a toxic relationship. Yay me, right? Now, looking back, I think it may have been worse than I thought.

My ex boyfriend knew that I did not want to have sex or even be sexually active. I am very religious and I wanted to wait until marriage. However, he continuously manipulated me and convinced me to do things with him. I told him every time that I didn’t want to do it. I was afraid of him, and afraid of what he would do if I didn’t agree.

I also have a few health issues. PMDD being the main one. He told me that I was lucky to have him and that no one else would love me because of my PMDD. perhaps that is why I did those things with him.

I guess my question is, what does this qualify as? Abuse? Sexual assault? In the back of my mind, I feel so guilty for agreeing to do those things, so in my head I view is as “consensual” but something is telling me that it’s not. That manipulating someone to do those things does not mean it was consensual.

Please, if anyone has help, let me know. I am really struggling with this. It has caused anxiety, depression, and even some eating problems for me. I beat myself up so badly for this and I desperately want to know how to move forward.

I am posting this anonymously because I am so ashamed. But please, I just need some answers, advice, or even encouraging words. Thank y’all so much.