I get it I messed up!!! (A long time ago)

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married 2. It was a long courtship obviously.., when I first met him I had been dumped and devastated a few times. I was always the one getting my heart broken. He came along and treated me like I had always wished for, supported me through school, had our own place, etc. He was always generous and kind.

Until one day...we were at the grocery store. Any normal day. The cashier was scanning our groceries and my now hubby started to give her an attitude. He was getting so pissed, I’m not sure about what. It was a red flag for me like something is off. We were already living together. He apologized and said he was having a rough day with business, etc. But gradually I would notice public outbursts and it got embarrassing. He once told a lady to move her fat ass as she was crossing the street in front of us because he wanted the parking spot she was blocking. Mortified. We were meeting my friend for lunch and I had to act like nothing just happened.

There’s been other times won’t get into it. At the airport, movie theater, to name a few. Long story short he finally agreed to get therapy. But I had already had enough by then. I did love him but he was so self absorbed in his own problems I didn’t get anything back. One of my male friends slowly started turning into my emotional support system. For any topics I knew my man could give two shits about. I ended up kissing him and at the time my friends actually motivated me to because they knew how badly I was being treated.

I knew it was wrong but also knew my bf was an asshole... I should have left but I did at the end of the day want my bf to get better and for us to be together. I told my male friend it was a mistake and if we wanted to still be friends that couldn’t happen again. He agreed and it didn’t. We remained friends. Therapy did help and we ended up getting engaged, then married. I got pregnant quickly after. We now have a beautiful baby girl.

Problem is, my hubby is regressing. Calling me names, being a jerk. I told him what happened with my friend before we got married. I take marriage seriously and wanted him to know and that it wouldn’t happen in a marriage. He understood and wanted to still get married. But now he throws it in my face that I cheated. I am the mother of his child and he treats me like crap. Our baby is so young and I would hate a divorce now. I had to put up a lot with his bad behavior. I know I messed up. He acted like he understood but now won’t let it go. He’s so controlling I’m afraid to leave now.