This might be a trigger warning for some so like don’t continue reading if sexualish content is going to upset you.

So basically, I have practically no family we are close to. My dads family lives in town, but it’s small. I’ve got two cousins, my aunt, and my grandma. I was never close to any of them, besides Grandma (❤️❤️ love her) but anyways, one of my cousins went off the the navy a few years ago, maybe like 4 or 5 years by now. It wasn’t really a big deal, but grandma was kinda sad :(

He came to town to visit every year, took grandma, my younger sister, and I out to lunch and stuff. It was nice.

So then, he comes to town to visit in August 2015, at this time I’m 14. Again, I don’t know him all too well, and it’s been maybe two years since I’ve seen him, but we have had short conversations on Facebook, and it actually felt like I was becoming close to my cousin and building a relationship I had always wanted and was envious of other people who had big families had.

My dad had passed away a few months previous, leaving the house to my brother. He moved into an apartment shortly after and so during his weird time the house was empty, so during this time my mom allowed my cousin, we will call him Ted, to stay there. (My mom and dad were divorced so I was at my moms place, just a few houses down the street). He was greatful, as he was angry at his mother and didn’t want to stay with her, it was over some complicated favoritism displayed in childhood, blah blah irrelevant to the story.

At first things weren’t weird. I went over and hung out with him one day, and he took me to go get pizza showing off his cool car, then thanking me for talking to him; I was the only person from here who kept in contact. I went over and hung out with him another time, with my sister. I was sitting on one end of the couch and he then laid his head on my lap as he lied on his back, resting HIS HEAD IN MY LAP. This guy at this time is like 23 or something. We had gotten cake and he insisted we shared a plate; we mustn’t dirty extra dishes (who tf wants to clean that??) and he justified all this “it’s okay, we are cousins”. He then talked about his weight lifting and then reached over and picked me up from beneath him, bench pressed me, then set me down basically on his dick, well his lap, but I totally felt his dick in my butt. I jumped up real quick and got off and he basically asked why I got up in such a hurry. I brushed all this off and he left soon after.

He came back in April of 2016. Things got worse, I could brush those off as normal cousin things, but not this.

Both times he visited, he talked about his experience on the submarines, away for months. On these ships there’s primarily men, some jnsanse ratio of men to women. He told us how women often prostituted themselves out for extra cash, and plenty are raped. He talked about how he wanted a girl.

I was kinda talked into going over to my dads old house where he was staying again. I went alone. I talked about how I signed up for he softball team, and how I failed. He talked about girls who play softball are thick ass fuck and have big ass thighs and nice asses. He then put his hand on my knee, and ran his fingers up my thigh, he was kneeling down, explaining what muscles are located where. He also then asked if any of the girls on the softball team are over 18.

Then idk I went and sat in a chair, we were casually talking. He then gave me A FUCKING BACK RUB. He said it was okay, on the boat he gave everyone back rubs to calm them down when they were stressed (I was stressed about English class). I stopped talking and stiffened, I was hella uncomfortable. “Whyd you stop talking? You were a chatterbox a minute ago?”. I kind of at some point just turned away from the back rub, and had to endure being trapped in the recliner as he sat in front of where I had to get up, in a chair he had pulled over.

I was talking about my boyfriend. And then idk relationships in general and we were talking about height difference. I was like “guys should be taller but not too much taller”, then he says, “so like...for example...the height difference between you and me?” I awkwardly agree.

I don’t remember how it happens. We were talking about something. But then he reaches down to pick me up, grabs like the inside of my thighs by my butt and slides me up his body, until my boobs are in his face. He says something, then slowly slides me back down his body, his hands on my butt now. I felt everything.

I quickly went home.

He came to my house the next day.

I was on my laptop and we were beside eachother on the couch. Over time he lays down, and rubs his hand on my leg. Starting down my knee and massaging it basically, then making his way higher and higher. I got really uncomfortable. He asked why I was so tense, why I stopped talking. He was just inches away from my....ya. Then I pull away. “Did it tickle?” Is what he asks me. He lays his head in my lap again, laying on his lap. My mom comes downstairs and shoo him off, just out of instinct, like I do when my boyfriend does that, knowing my mom would dissaprove. Thatswhat hits me hard. My instictsjust knew it wa wrong 😣😣

Then before he left, he got me some crazy expensive tea kit that costs like $112 for my birthday.

He never talked to my sister. Barely, I mean a little but hardly.

I cried to my boyfriend voicing my feelings of violation. He told me I was just not understanding of how the dunamics of a cousin relationship work. (Even tho when iput him in this situation with his cousjnshypothetically he expressed discomfort, claiming it was wrong in his situation but fine in mine). He said that even if it was pervy which it definitlywasn’t, itsmy fault; I never told him to stop. And that haunts me. I never said no, stop. He also said, which is even more fucked up, but he said it as a joke 🙄 “even if it is pervy, you can’t really blame him. You’re hot”

After he leaves my mom tells me he isntallowed to stay with us. I ask why. She says she can’t tell me why, but my brother knows something.

A year later, my brother drunkenly tells me what Ted said. They had been sitting together kind of catching up. My brother and him grew up together, and my brother deeply hated him. Btduring a silent pause after a casual conversation, Ted says, “I don’t think it’s wrong for cousins to have sex”.

Hesvisited since then but he doesn’t stay with us. And I saw him one day for maybe 20 minutes and he avoided talking to me. My mom doesntknow any of his, but my sister does, and my new boyfriend do. They think itswrong.

Sorry for the long reading, I just had to get it off my chest, I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately 😔😣