Uhg, how to get this out without a huuuuuge story. I’ll try to keep it short and simple.

My husband and I have been together since we were 16, 36 now. We have 4 children together. The first we had at 18, then 21. Young for sure. We worked hard and did it all on our own. I swore I’d never get a divorce or separate with kids involved. He definitely took advantage of knowing that. He was sexually abusive at times. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He’d always get mad, tell me what a piece of crap I was, what a horrible mother I was, how disgusting my family was, anything to hurt me. Daily. He is a hard worker, and despite the things he’d say to me he was otherwise a good dad. I did everything I could to make it work. I realized he’d get more upset when he didn’t get sex, so I made sure he got what he wanted. When I would say no on occasion he’d flip out, threw a box fan across the room once, would start in on how much of a piece of crap I was again. He would literally go on for hours!! And when I would try to stick I for myself, he yell more, and when I was quiet and didn’t feed into it, he’d get even more pissed. I was stuck. Couldn’t do anything right. At one time I said I was done. Something he said pushed me over the edge and I was DONE! I made plans to move . He literally went crazy. He threatened to kill him self. I had to call a close friend to help find him. He went from begging and pleading to yelling and screaming. It was a horrible emotional rollercoaster. I couldn’t believe how the stress affected me. Throughout this he would say he’d let me go peacefully if I would just let him “ have his way with me” for a certain amount of time. Then he’d let me go, with the kids, no issues. I considered it actually. But it honestly made me want to puke. And then made me extremely mad that that’s what he wanted. In the midst of this I went to visit my sister about 4 hours away, where we both grew up. and met someone. I admit I should NoT have pursued it, but I was kind of in a whirlwind of emotion, and being with someone like that for so long, about 12 years at that point, and not feeling passionate about them, not having any desire for most of those years for that person, when I let go of that. Ohhh, I was soooo ready for something!! Well, this guy and I about 7 years younger😬 started meeting up. I felt like I was “fair” in that I told my husband I was done. But still not right. We still had to be sneaky. We met up every couple weeks for about three months. He knew my situation. I was trying to leave. But it was getting increasingly difficult to deal with my husbands emotional states. At one point while fighting he starts undressing me and telling me he’ll leave me alone ( that night) if I just have sex with him. It was like something came over him and he couldn’t help it. I told him no. He kept going. I kind of gave in, well, I didn’t push back anyways. I thought if this is what I need to do to get him to be quiet and leave me alone then ok. Well, he was trying to get me pregnant! Come to find out he timed my cycle and KNEW when I’d be ovulating! WTF!! Well I did, and not sure why, but it did have the effect he wanted. I stayed. He did find it about the guy I’d been with. After I didn’t talk to him( other guy) Husband actually got him in trouble with the armed services he was a part of by giving a sob story about how I was so horrible. Which....I/ we shouldn’t have done it, so🤷‍♀️. Husband also told every single person he could think of that I cheated on him. All of my family, all of his. Friends. Anyone who’d listen. Ok, I deserve it I guess. And this is after 12 years of Never telling anyone all the things he’s done to me. I never wanted anyone to think he was a bad guy! Ok, so FF had my third child, husband seemed like a changed man. My Husband Waited on me hand and foot for a long time, almost too much!! But it slowly went back to before. Screaming, yelling, and the sex. I found messages from him to another women, he said it was because I wasn’t giving him what he needed emotionally. ( or sexually) but claimed he never had sex with her? Ok, I tried to do some things sexually that he wanted. He took advantage of that. Completely took the go ahead and acted like he could do what he wanted. A few months later. Found info on another women. Well, now my third child is 3 and I thought we were getting over this shit, I’m getting annoyed again, again the sex is a huge deal. If I say no, I pay. Well I end up preggers, again. And now I have to wonder if he did it on purpose. Anyways.....more talking to other women, more excuses. I blamed myself. Tried again. So, this last time, he goes on an assignment ( firefighter) for a couple weeks. Something makes me think to look at his IG, and sure enough he’s talking to this same girl. I don’t say any whiting to either. But then one night she’s says something about she’s heard she’s not the only one he talks to, he says that she is, blah blah. And tells her “ I wouldn’t do that to you” !!??? You wouldn’t do that to her!!!?? And I said/felt that I was done. Again. Told him when he got home, talked to her. They both say nothing was going on.

He begs, pleads. Oh, right before this I was planning on going to school for something I’ve always wanted to do. And he decides we need to buy a house, he tells me if we don’t buy a house first He won’t support me going to school. Manipulation. But anyhow, I agree, we buy a house. So now we have 4 kids, and a mortgage. Aaaaand, we’re taking care of my nephew as well. Well, after a lot of thinking I decide that I’m going to stay, but he has to stay in another room, we go to counseling. No more shit. He’s been absolutely amazing since then. Seriously dream husband. I’m going to school he helps in any way possible, laundry, stays with kids, makes dinner every night. Wakes up in the am to make me breakfast and coffee. He seriously is perfect. I don’t know if it will last:/ I kind of think it will. But....I have no desire to be with him physically. It actually disgusts me. I am sexually actively with him now. And I pretend to enjoy it. Although through counseling and such he knows that I have a huge problem with it. I hate kissing him, he is so affectionate, and I can’t stand it. And I hate myself for it. I should be happy now. We get along great, we have fun together. We’ve been together so long, our families are each other’s families. I feel like I am a very sexual person, and he thinks I’m just not. But it’s not that I’m not, it’s that even if/when I feel a little turned on, doing things with him does not keep me turned on. Is the past trauma too much. I truly don’t think I can change the way I feel. But how could I actually leave. I guess my thoughts right now are to stick it out. Love isn’t all about that feeling right. Ok, so much for the short version.