Relationship

I’m 19 years old, and my boyfriend is 21 years old. Me and him have been dating for awhile, but I think my past has effected our relationship. Whenever I get in a relationship, things go so WELL, but then when it comes around 6 months, I just try to push them away. I don’t know why I do the things I do like, I literally love him so much. Me and him have a daughter who is 7 months old, but I keep trying to break up with him.

I have issues. I was raped twice, sexual assaulted a lot by men.., I have bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, bpd etc.

He knows I was raped, because when we first started dating.. he pushed sex onto me and I did it because I was afraid he was going to rape me.. he’s not like at all anymore, but I got scared at that point in time, and that’s not what it is though. I’ve also done this to other guys I’ve dated.. I have even told them I was cheating on them when I wasn’t so they could leave me..

I also can’t handle being alone like at all.. if I’m alone, I’m just sad and kinda have a mental breakdown which a lot of over stupid things.. I can’t handle being alone like at all after I break up or they break up with me.. if it gets so bad, I find sex and I don’t know.. I guess sex is a stress reliever or something.. it makes me feel like I’m not alone..

I know you guys aren’t doctor at all, but I want your opinions on why I do this because I have no clue why I do..