So... little more than 2 years in this relationship. He cheated on me once at the beginning, it’s complex but usually I’m the one to end things with stuff like that, but I really love him. He’s been great, other than our occasional lack of sex or his comments on hallpasses and threesomes. Last night I finally confronted him about my hurt feelings about the cheating and my lack of trust for him, which was hard but it needed to happen as he was going to go out with his friends and didn’t want me there. Understandable, everyone wants a friends night/guys night.

When I asked him about the hallpass jokes, which a few months ago he made a specific comment about a specific girl being his hallpass, he said he didn’t need it. His answer to me was “Im 21 and wasn’t expecting to be in a relationship. But I love you and don’t want to lose you; hallpasses are temporary but you’re not”. I don’t know if what he was trying to say is that he chooses me over his past life of being single and unlimited, or if he’s really missing it but his love for me is strong and he knows it’s not worth losing me. During sex, I thought I’d put effort into talking about his fantasy threesome, because if I can’t give it to him now ( I’m pretty open and adventurous but with the circumstances.. no way) and it made the sex Insane. It was awesome. But he said part of his fantasy was for me to eat the girl out, then he’d have me watch him fuck her, maybe sit on his face but mostly just watch. I asked him all of the blunt questions “am I worth it, arenyou happy, would you rather be single, if I wanted to fuck a guy and make you watch would you be okay with it?” He answered that I’m worth everything and no he wouldn’t be okay with my situation of his threesome and now understands my sadness, but I know he still wants it. My hearts all over the place. I love him but I’m hurting more than he knows.