Post mental breakdown. Need someone to talk to.

Hi. So I just had a solid ten minute mental breakdown. It’s really snowy where I am and I’ve been basically locked in my house all week. I haven’t seen my friends in forever. I’m a senior in high school and I’m terrified about my future because of my anxiety. I am too scared to tell my mom I want help because I am ashamed.

It’s embarrassing, but I just spilled my guts to the wall in my bedroom and I finally understand what’s wrong with me now. I hate the way I am. My anxiety is bad and I pretend like it isn’t. I can’t walk up to people and make conversation. It’s so fucking simple for others but it’s so fucking hard for me. I want to be friends with everyone. I see good in everyone. I want to be the person people can run to when they’re sad and I want to HELP people. I know I’m a good person and I’ve got a lot to give. I want to be the person that makes everyone laugh. I am just so quiet and I guess I give off an ora that is just like I’m mad or don’t want to talk to anyone so no one says anything to me. I want to lay with a boy and just laugh and feel happy and comfortable. My friends that I’ve had forever are moving on with their lives and meeting new people. They’re either too busy or the roads are too bad for anyone to drive anywhere. It makes me want to scream thinking about all the opportunities I have missed and the people I don’t know because of my anxiety.

I feel guilty for feeling bad for myself because I believe my feelings are invalid. I could try to fix myself but am too scared. It’s my fault I am like this and it’s my fault I’m alone. It’s my fault I’m seventeen and never had a boyfriend and it’s my fault I don’t have more friends. So when I start to cry, I convince myself that I’m stupid and ridiculous and that I need to stop because it’s my fault.

I want help. It would be so nice to be able to talk to someone and get feedback. I’m sorry this is all over the place. I just needed to rant. I want to know I’m not alone. I want to know how to fix myself because I am so fucked if I go into college like this.