How to Cope With Twinless Twin! (Long I’m So Sorry)


My daughter is now 16 weeks and was born at 34+3. We had identical twins and found out at 9 weeks baby B had passed. We were absolutely devastated. My doctor said since she was the size of a sesame seed she would absorb and the pregnancy would continue like normal. I noticed I was still abnormally large throughout my pregnancy and had very aggressive hypermesis. I was 24 weeks and still throwing up on the regular and saw a sharp decrease in movement and went to the ER where the said I was having irregular contractions and my FFN test came back positive. They kept me over night and sent me home the next day. The next week at my appointment I told my OB I still had very decreased movement so she sent me to an specialist. At 26+2 and a 10CM mass was found in my uterus next to my baby and we had NO answers. The next 3 days were agonizing waiting to hear what it might be or if I would lose her too. At 26+4 we were confirmed with a TRAP pregnancy and I was IMMEDIATELY hospitalized for the duration of my pregnancy for extensive fetal monitoring. TRAP is an extremely rare condition where the passed identical twin continues to grow due to Reversed blood flow. It’s similar to TTTS but invokes the passed twin growing. My passed baby was under the upper right side of my ribs and my living baby was at the bottom left of my uterus and that’s where they stayed the whole time. I was absolutely crushed. This was a nightmare that I couldn’t have even imagined. Our living daughter had a 50-90% mortality rate due to the high possibility of heart failure and there were several times we thought she was coming early and I don’t know how we got so lucky but she lived. They wouldn’t let me stay pregnant past 34 weeks so I had a c section at 34+3 and she spent 25 days in the NICU because her lungs were underdeveloped and her left lung collapsed, she had low blood sugar, low billi, and a slow time learning to eat. Her twin was also delivered at over two pounds and was buried and cremated at the hope garden at our the hospital we were so focused on her survival I didn’t really think about her twin and that I would give birth to her as well. After 25 days We got to bring her home! We were so happy! Then it all became reality that I delivered two babies and I should have two babies and it hurts me everyday and I don’t know how to cope. I went back to work to feel human again and it’s somewhat helped but when the lights go off at night it hits me. How do I do this? How do I wake up and pretend everything’s okay? I’ve really been struggling with this... I know I need to take it one day at a time but what are some steps I can take to help? I feel guilty because people say I should be happy with one baby and I love her so much! She’s my world and I never want anyone to think I’m not grateful as she’s one of only a handful of TRAP babies to ever live! I just can’t help but miss her sister and wish she were her and to know what she would be like, because I know she would have looked like just like her sister! I’m so sorry this was so long but it’s really something that has to be explained to understand. Thank you so much in advance! 💜💜💜