52 days since my last period.

I opened glow and had to change my status. One I never wanted. Healing from a loss.

Today I went to the Dr. for the second time to learn that our October pea-pod is no longer with us.

A week and two days ago I started spotting. (Very slightly)

At first I was a little worried but then once I got online I realized that this was normal. Over the next two days the spotting continued. So I made and appointment to see the Dr. when I got there I got a little excited because I thought " I may get to hear the heartbeat!" Thinking at this point I was 6 weeks.

Had the ultra sound and the lady doing it was very positive but did inform me that it was a bit small.

"Not to worry" I thought.

"I have always been bad at math and so this must be me off on the week we conceived" (we did it a lot during a two week duration. This baby was very much wanted)

After going home I noticed that the bleeding was continuing each and everyday to become more and more red (started out faint pink and brown) this read was bright, watery, stringy- like a period but so different. Occasionally I would have tiny clots no bigger than a dime. This went on for a week. I had convinced myself that since I no pain I was in the clear and this was ok.

Last night I had dull cramps in my pelvis and everything I had been telling myself for a week plus was coming to a head. I knew something was off I had known for a while but every doctor visit, every pregnancy forum o read made me have hope.

This morning, I had so much pain that I could barely move. I finally made myself call the Dr and my dear sweet husband who convinced me to come in.

On the way there I doubled over my steering wheel in pain and cried out to God that if this is his will then let it be but please don't leave me and comfort me in my time of need.

Every extremely pregnant woman in the waiting room had pity in their eyes when they saw my face and how much pain I was in - how small I was. They knew what was happening.

Once I was on the table I knew that the kind lady with the sonogram wouldn't see anything.

She couldn't find that tiny precious dot that I had seen the week before.

She tried trans vaginal - there it was.

I knew that if she pointed it out to me everything was alright. She didn't.

I pointed it out for her. She must have seen how calm I was because she informed me she was not suppose to tell me but it looks like it is on its way out.

She also noted that it didn't look any bigger than the 4 weeks and 5 days it was the week before.

This would have been our first child.

Our first reading them a story before bed

Our first sleepless night.

Our first (quiet like my husband)

Our first (loves to draw like mama and has her eyes)

Our first teaching our baby to walk, sing and be kind to others....

I was fine.

I had never known this little person, never touched it, never held it, I was fine.

My husband got me some simple pain meds as the dr suggested, we walked around the park for an hour and then headed home in separate cars (I drove to the hospital and he met me there)

Once I was out of his view I cried all the way home. Loud gasping cries. So much so I almost threw up.

I parked in the garage with music blaring and when my husband pulled up beside me he knew what was happening he just opened the car door and sat on the edge of the floor of the car resting his head on my chest.

And we both sobbed.

I didn't want to get out of the car because that made it real. (Weird huh?) grief is funny that way.

How could I love something so much that I never even met?

Ladies. Please listen to your gut.

The internet is amazing and people are amazing.

But nothing is as accurate as your gut when it comes to your child.

I'm not nauseated and I haven't been for a week.

I'm not as hungry and I haven't had an appetite for a week.

I've been spotting for a week

I've been bleeding for a week.

These were my signs.

I am terrified to start over.

Terrified to try again.

Terrified to get my hopes up again.

But I am going to try and trust my Father.

I am praying for each and every one of you in your journeys.

God bless you always.

-C