Worried about my mom babysitting.

Some back story: my parents became parents before they were ready (brother was born when they were 18, I was born when they were 21). They were both very obviously annoyed by our presence in their lives and it was clear to me from a young age that I was a burden on them/ unwanted. They split up when I was young but they both still treated us like an inconvenience. The other problem is that my brother has a mental disability. He is able to work but he can’t cook or drive himself around so he will always depend on my mom.

My whole childhood my mom (who was our primary caregiver) never wanted to deal with him because he had behavioral issues, which were exacerbated by the fact that she wouldn’t do anything about it. He would scream in my ears, hit me, left bruises on me regularly, never left me alone, as he found it funny. I didn’t have a doorknob on my bedroom so he was constantly coming in to my room to hit me and then run away. No matter what he did my mon’s reaction was always “just stop, you’re both getting on my nerves”. She didn’t teach us to brush our teeth, wash our hands, bathe, or even potty train us correctly.

My dad, on the other hand, would make us wash our hands after using the bathroom and before eating, would make us brush our teeth twice a day, and would make my brother (who hated putting his head in the water) shower again and again until he washed his hair. My dad would punish my brother for hurting me and it made my brother hate visiting him so my mom eventually stopped making him go.

All this to say that my mom does not want to make the effort to be responsible for my brother the way she should be. Even his dentist keeps telling her she needs to monitor him brushing his teeth because he doesn’t do it and he will have them all pulled but she doesn’t feel like doing it. Now that I’m an adult, I’m not as affected by her parenting (or lack thereof) and my brother is no longer abusive. But I’m still worried about my mom babysitting my baby, due this summer. My brother still doesn’t wash his hands or bathe himself properly (TMI: last year he had things growing on his back and she wouldn’t admit it was because he doesn’t properly wash) so I don’t want my brother holding or playing with my baby while his/her immune system is still weak unless I witness him wash his hands first, but I know my mom won’t enforce that if my husband and I aren’t around. I’m worried that she is going to neglect the needs of my baby as long as she doesn’t feel like dealing with it, like when they start potty training or if they have a tantrum.

Sorry this post was so long, what I’m trying to ask is: how do I voice my concerns about this issue? My mom is not good with confrontation and I’m worried she will just cry and ignore the issue rather than deal with it because my brother is a sore spot for her. But the idea of leaving my child, no matter what age, alone with her and my brother makes me so stressed out because I can’t trust her. I have seen her babysit other kids and she is definitely one of those “take/do whatever you want, just stop crying” babysitters.

One more thing. As a person, my mom is very nice and we get along now that I’m an adult, but she is just lazy about parenting.