Today was supposed to be my due date

I miscarried in June. I’m still heartbroken. I can’t help but feel that I should have a sweet baby in my arms today. I should be starting this next chapter of my life with a family of 3. I hate myself for still feeling the should have beens, still feeling so sensitive, still feeling so defeated. Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I make and keep a baby? Why do so many of us have to go through this heartbreak that no one talks about and no one understands? I know you all do, and I’m so grateful for that.

Instead of preparing for our own sweet baby, like many of you, we have to force excitement for my sister and our many friends that are expecting (after 1 mo of trying), others that had their babies this month (just yesterday who we have to visit tomorrow!), or are sharing their pregnancy announcements, and force a genuine congratulations, and force smiles and hold back tears at their showers and the sight of their baby bumps while thinking, “that should be me too.” It’s been over a year of trying. I know that’s considered average and while I’m usually fine with being average in most things (haha) being average in TTC totally sucks. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m angry. I’m discouraged. I’m jealous. I’m trying to put on a brave face to my husband and to everyone around us and I’m tired. And while most days I know God is with me carrying me through, today I’m just lost. I know you all understand and I’m so sorry that you do.

So instead of snuggling my sweet newborn today....I’ll try not to overthink the two week wait we just started once again and go snuggle my dog hahah #sadtruth

Sending prayers for all of us, for peace, healing, and healthy rainbow baby’s really soon