PPD (mostly a read for second time mommas)

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was absolutely in love with her before she was even born. I couldn’t wait until I had her in my arms and that I wouldn’t have the worry of being pregnant anymore.

Well, she was born April of 2015, and I was so in love with her, just like I expected of course. I was a new single mother though and every single thing made me nervous. I was mostly alone in the hospital, couldn’t relax or sleep because I was so unsure of what I was doing with my newborn daughter. Nurses didn’t seem to want to help me, even though they all noticed I was alone. I remember crying to myself wondering what I did, if I even made the right choice in becoming a mother, because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her.

Fast forward to being home. Those feelings became overwhelming. For months. I was still mostly alone, still unsure of myself, except now I was a zombie, barely getting two hours of sleep a night. I was barely eating, and I barely was bathing. I would cry in bed to myself every single chance I had. My daughter had colic for a full six months, non stop crying and screaming. I would try so hard to do my best for her and I still felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt like a failure. I hated that I did it, but I would contemplate suicide while my sweet baby girl was asleep. I loved her so much, with my whole heart, but this feeling of helplessness became so strong that I couldn’t take it anymore.

I finally decided to call a doctor and at that appointment they told me that I had post partum depression. I wish I would’ve been brave enough to call a doctor before I got to that final breaking point because I always feel like I lost so many important months of my baby girls life.

My daughter is about to be three now, and after I seeked help I have had the best time of my life being a mother. She is the funniest, sassiest, and most loving little girl. I don’t know what I would do if she wasn’t brought into my life.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant with my second daughter, and I’m freaked out I will have PPD again. I want to be able to enjoy those precious newborn and infant months because they really do go by so fast, and it may be our last child. I’m in a different situation now, as in my husband will be there every step of the way. But I’m still nervous that I’m more prone to it being that I had it the first time around. Are any of you second time mommas going though this as well, and how are you preparing to combat these feelings incase they do arise? I don’t have anyone else to ask because I don’t know of anyone else personally who has been through this, so I’m extremely sorry if this is sensitive to some people.