im terrified.

hey ladies I need to let some stuff out and you may be the only people who understand. I have a feeling this is going to be long so I apologise in advance. I am 34 a Mom of 5 great kids. I was a surrogate for three. I also have had multiple miscarriages. I have been pregnant 14 times!!!! I have been pregnant more than I haven't in the last 17 years of my life. tomorrow at 10 am I am having a tubal ligation as my husband had a vasectomy last June which did not work. this means tonight my baby goes to my mils and will be there until no earlier than Thursday evening. I am terrified of my milk supply plummeting. I hate the idea of pumping and dumping. I just can't get pregnant again. mentally, emotionally, financially can NOT do it. my husband who i am pretty sure has lost his freekin mind keeps saying that his failed vasectomy and all the hoops we have had to jump through to get this surgery scheduled is all a sign that we are supposed to have one more. I really think he just wants a boy as he has 3 daughters. I kind of feel like I am failing him but I can't. just can NOT do it. I'm pretty sure they think I have lost my damn mind at my midwifes office when they called me because they screwed up and didn't have me come in to resign consent forms for this I had a complete panic attack full of hyperventilation and my entire body becoming a ball of pins and needles!!!! I just want this week to be over...