need to rant/ too many decisions/ too much waiting


I'm 9w1d with baby #2.

My daughter is 21 months and was born SGA at 4lbs12oz at 38weeks. I may have had preeclampsia but they induced me before they had time to find out. Other than being tiny, she has always been absolutely healthy and now in 25%

1. I had my first appointment yesterday with a new midwife, but same clinic as my daughter (love this clinic!). I went in with a million planned questions about reoccurring preeclampsia and SGA babies and other things I learned from the last terrible month of being pregnant with my daughter. She kind of half listened to my story and kept commenting that she was tired and couldn't focus and was obsessing about filling out my chart. We decided to listen to the baby. Midwife couldn't hear a heartbeat, so did a quick ultrasound and there's a baby in there bopping around, but the baby is way too tiny to be 9 weeks. So she threw out a bunch of what-if scenarios about wrong dates and another SGA baby and literally said "knock on wood" 5 times and then sent me home. I was so surprised I didn't ask any questions. I have to wait another 10 days for a growth ultrasound and then have to wait 2 more weeks to review results with a midwife.

2. Meanwhile, I work at a university and need to make some big, strategic decisions about my career that affect my entire academic department as well as our daycare and financial situation. They are announcing layoffs May 1. (I won't go into that epic clusterf*ck here). I really, really need to talk to my boss about all that is going on but can't have an informed decision until I know due dates and what is happening with layoffs.

3. Meanwhile, I'm super petite and showing SO MUCH I feel super stressed about physically (and emotionally) hiding this pregnancy any longer. But I've had a miscarriage before and don't want to tell anyone yet esp. if my dates are really wrong and I'm only like 6-7 weeks.

I'm just really frustrated and feeling powerless and not sure what to prioritize and like time is standing still. Thanks for listening.