What did I do to deserve this kind of love?
My SO & I have been together 4 years this year. We met when he was 26, I was 20. Two children - 2yo and 10 month old. Everything started out great. 3 months into our relationship, he put his hands on me while I was driving down the road. He was drunk. He quit drinking & of course, I forgave him. *i did call the cops but ended up dropping the charges*. A few months later, we talked about having kids. I had my first with this man bc my self-confidence was so low, I thought no one would ever want to have kids with me so if I didn’t do it now, my chance may never come again. He made me delete all social media because “I spent too much time on it”. Fair enough. A few months later, he deploys. 2-3 months in Texas, 9 months in Kuwait. He’s in the Army - NG. I fly out to Texas 5 months pregnant. It was a shit show. He ended up taking me to the airport 3-4 hours early. Not even a month later, I find out he’s been basically sexting a chick he’s deploying with. (No nudes were sent, just talking about explicit things). Of course - I take him back. He comes home. We eventually get an apartment together with our son & I become a SAHM - full time student. Things are okay, but when we argue - he is very mentally & verbally abusive. I’m a bitch, lazy, stupid, dumb, ignorant, bad mom - any combination of words you can put together.. that’s what I was. We lived in the apartment for a year & Halloween of 2016, I found out I was pregnant with #2. I was devastated. We were not prepared - relationship wise. A few months later, we move out & he buys a house in a really nice neighborhood, making very good money. We’re arguing one night & he head butts me. Not hard, but like getting in your face & hitting heads. Idk how to explain it, but nothing worth calling the cops over. That same night, I go upstairs to give my kids a bath. My LO is only like 2-3 months old. He keeps yelling & she’s screaming from his tone of voice. I let out a “Oh dear Jesus”. I kept having to calm her down while giving our, at the time, 1 year old (almost 2) a bath. He comes up & takes his head & slams my head into the bathroom wall. I look at him like are you fucking serious? In front of your kids?? I didn’t call the cops. The mental & verbal abuse keeps getting worse in front of the kids. Calling me names, telling me to shut up. He ended up kicking me out. A month or so later, I’m back. We go home for Thanksgiving & he ends up head butting me, slamming me across his moms wall pushing me across it, yanking me down by my shirt in front of our son. I called the cops & pressed charges. (This was just last year so the charges are still pending). I got a no contact order & ended up dropping it after 2 months. I went back, AGAIN. Mental & verbal abuse continues. Last night, we go to a concert. He ends up flirting with this chick in front of us.. in FRONT of my face. He says he was just apologizing to her because he hit her in the head on accident. When we got in the car, he asked why I was mad. I told him. His response is if I wanted to fuck someone else, you would never find out about it. He’s been doing this since he was younger. When he said that, I called him a POS. He kicked me out of the car. He called/texted & I never responded until earlier today & he still sees nothing wrong with his actions bc he was “just apologizing to her”. So I texted him a few minutes ago asking when I could get my things.. he said it wasn’t any of his concern at the moment. So I told him I’d come up there (we live an hour away from home) tomorrow or Sunday. His response was that he’s already changed the locks. How tf can someone change the locks in less than 24 hours when they are in the wrong? His friend says he just needs a confidence boost when he does things like that (talking to other females).. I sit at home with 2 kids all day, not allowed to leave the house, or do this or that with friends/family. My confidence is shit but guess the fuck what? I don’t go out & flirt with other men.
All I can do is cry. What did I do to deserve this kind of love? All I try to do is be the best mom I can be. Best house “not” wife I can be. Nothing is ever good enough for this man. 4 years together. 2 years living together & 2 months is the longest we’ve probably went actually living in the same house before I leave or get kicked out. Do I not deserve a happily ever after? Why did I have to have kids with this man? Don’t get me wrong.. he is a GREAT dad. He thinks that he’s going to be able to take them from me.. which I have no fear in me that he will. But ugh. Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent to people who aren’t taking his side or mine.
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.