Feel alone in this thing called parenting
As I type this with one hand, only Taco Bell, half a pack of Oreos & 10 or more fruit snacks packs in my belly, wearing sweat, baby vomit & lord knows what else, a grumpy 4 month old in one hand & her “father” sleeping in the next room after an all nighter playing video games with friends. Having slept no less than 5 hours but no more than 10 in the past two days. I wonder to myself will I get my break? Will this have an end? I write this as a way to vent cause what else are you to do when you have no one else. Through all the madness of a sick & high demand baby. A little back story on my situation I live far from any family of mine, close to 2,000 miles away. That’s for a different story, point is there’s no relative of mine close by & I can’t afford to travel to get anywhere close. I’m doing not so well off & my family aren’t exactly the richest. My father & grandparents, bless their hearts help, to which I hate asking for money & will empty their pockets if I even asked for it but I can’t bring myself to do that. My mother hasn’t offered to help so I don’t even ask. Back to the story. My baby has special problems that the doctors have yet to figure out, due to me wanting to stay anonymous I wouldn’t list her medical problems. She’s already been hospitalized once, been in & out of doctors office since she was born. If we didn’t get her to the hospital when we did she would of died. She’s a sick baby that needs constant care. I too am very unwell. I have an autoimmune disorder that’s been kicked into full drive. I’ve been so focused on getting my daughter better I’ve completely disregarded my own health, point is we’re both very sick. I’m always tired from my disease as is & put a demanding baby really drags me into the ground. My days consist of taking care of her while I barely survive off of a few cookies & whatever else I can get my hands on. Her father works while I stay at home, which in sense I guess is why I let him have his freedom in the first place. I figured since he worked I’d let him have his fun but it’s gotten worse. In the process he’s became a “part time” parent. Like I said everyday I survive off of what little snacks I can get my hands on until he’s ready to watch her so I can get a real meal. She’s a high demand baby & sneaking off to do anything is out of the question since she’s a light sleeper & being a sick child I dare not leave her for too long. I do not believe in the “cry it out” method either. I never did & with the type of illness she has crying it causes more damage than good. Once her father gets home he’s gets me water, sometimes brings me toxic fast food if I’m really hungry & more snacks if I had ran out by then. You ask why can’t he cook for you? He can barely grocery shop let alone cook what I want. I’ll occasionally have him fix me something easy but that’s as far as it’ll go. After about 15 minutes of being home he goes to his “man cave” to play video games till 9-10 at night. I’ll be lucky if I even can get him to take the dog out in between. It’s a hassle to get him to even take the dog out. Most the time the dog ends up waiting till his gaming session is over to go out if I’m too busy & cant get to it. After gaming for a good 5 or so hours he likes to nap till 1-2 in the morning then I can finally get him to take our daughter so I can finally get a break & do what I need to do. He’s usually rushing me to take her back, falling asleep on her or getting fussy with her most of the time cause she doesn’t want her father, she wants her mom. So she’ll cry after being with him for so long. I told him it’s cause you get upset with her & you hardly spend any time with her that’s why. You’d think on the weekends things would be better, NEGATIVE, it’s worse. On Friday’s once he gets home he stays in his “man cave” till Saturday morning. Once 8-9 in the morning rolls around he finally decided to return to his family. I spend about no more than three hours doing mommy time then I have to hurry back to my crying daughter & her irritated father. Then while he takes his nap to recharge for the nightly gaming session I calm her down & she’s ready for a nap while I try to not move from my spot, as to not wake the beast that is my daughter & try to nap myself. Once Sunday hits he finally, sometimes spends time with us. We’ve tried the whole him take her so I get some good sleep. It only lasted two hours, which they both woke me up every hour at least once while I slept. Her by crying & him wanting me to feed her or calm her down. I’ve argued, threatened to leave, etc. if he didn’t spend more time with us or helped out. It’ll change for a week, maybe two if I’m lucky. Last weekend I actually talked him into having a family movie night with us three in bed all day watching movies together, it was a disaster. Since he stayed up all night the night before playing video games he was tired & fell asleep till 2 that day. I ended up falling asleep waiting on him to finish his games, so he just came into the room & fell asleep as well. Once I woke up & seen him in the room I asked him to take a shower & come to bed with us. Side note the job he has I don’t let him in bed with us till he showers so he’ll just camp out with blankets on the floor. It took me getting angry & yelling at him to finally get him in the shower after two hours later & him still just setting there watching tv. Once he gets out he falls asleep on me & I’m at this point like whatever I’ll let him sleep a little then wake him up. After about a few more hours I get him up & by then after taking care of our daughter I’m exhausted & she’s asleep so I end up passing out. Once I wake up he has the nerve to tell me he’s been waiting on me, to which I dig him a new one. It’s around 11 at night when we finally put on a movie. That didn’t last cause no longer than 40 minutes later he was asleep again. I just threw my hands up said f*ck it & eventually went to sleep once I got my daughter laid down. If you’re wondering by now, yes we’re co sleeping parents. It’s easier for everyone & most of the time my daughter doesn’t “allow” me to lay down & sleep. I usually set up in bed against a back rest pillow with her next to me or most the time in my arms. I know most of you will say “that’s unhealthy to raise her like that” or “you’re spoiling her”, don’t care I’ve heard it all before it’s how I choose to parent & she’s a sick baby who doesn’t feel well most of the time so sue me for trying to make her feel comfortable. I just needed to get this off of my chest. Lately I’ve been hit with depression heavy. My best friend hardly talks to me anymore since giving birth, my poor grandmother has enough to worry about with her health & everything going on with her. I just don’t talk to my father about stuff like this & my mother, well my mother has been selfish with her responses lately, that’s a whole other story, so I don’t go to her anymore. I’m just a lonely mother that needed some venting & took to this app as an get it off of my chest. I catch myself all the time I feel somewhat better. Of course the problem still lies in front of me but at least I got to get some of the stress out. I apologize if I came off rude or scatter brained but having lack of sleep & food will do it to you. If you made it to the end thank you for taking the time to listen. You have no idea how much that means to me.
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.