I’m not brave enough to post this with my name. But as another period comes around and another month passes where we’ve not managed to make our little dream of a baby a reality I’m feeling reflective.

We started trying June time last year. We weren’t “trying” we were telling people we were “not not trying”. It became an obsession though. Acting cool in front of my family and friends and then me and my husband would sit at home becoming more and more frustrated as each month the tests came back negative and we felt more hopeless.

Then it happened. December. We got a step closer to our dream. We had our positive and we were so happy. At the same time my Husbands mum passed away- she had had a brain tumour for 12 years and in October we were told we had 3-4 months max. She passed away just before Christmas. A week before when she had started to deteriorate I experienced some horrible cramping in my stomach on one side. It was pain I had never felt before. I was at work so I ran to the toilet and straight away there was blood. I hadn’t been to the doctors yet with everything going on. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat on the toilet crying. After 4 days of bleeding it was confirmed with a BFN- we’d miscarried. I spoke to a doctor at work and they had said it sounded like a ectopic pregnancy that had miscarried.

With this happening a week before my other half’s mum dying and us living far away from family my husband had to travel back to be with her in her last days. He was upset but understandably distracted. I felt guilty for feeling so sad about miscarrying so early on when his mother was dying. We both grieved the loss of her- which of course is on-going, and have started to come to terms with all we’ve been through.

We are desperate for a child to join our family and it seems like all our friends decide to try and get pregnant within a few months. As we approach a year of trying in a few months we’re really hoping it will happen soon.

I don’t really know what I was looking for in this post. Not any ones sympathy that’s for sure we know we are so fortunate in so many ways.

It just feels right to write my ramblings down and put them on here for people in similar situations- to know none of us are in this alone.

So yeah- if you’ve got to the end of this thanks for reading and know that you are not alone in this journey.