13 months ago my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby. We were so excited over the thought of being parents. We told his mom that we started trying and she was over the moon as well and regularly checks on me to ask if I’m pregnant yet as she wants to be a grandma so bad.

I know 13 months certainly isn’t a long as some women have waited, however 13 months has seemed like a lifetime for me.

At first it wasn’t happening and I thought it was because I wasn’t tracking my ovulation, so I did that - you know, “not trying”. Nothing.

Then I thought I was just thinking about it too much and needed to calm down and just have fun. Nothing.

Then I figured it was just the stress of the living situation I was in and the fact that my husband and I traveled a lot for his job, so we finally settled down in our own house and I quit traveling to ease that stress. Again, nothing.

Then I read all the success stories of preseed so we tried that! We still are, because again, nothing.

Then I thought it was my weight. I’m 5’ 5”, 200lbs but I’m mostly muscle, so I started eating way better and working out to lose weight and lose 20lbs! But again... nothing.

Finally we tried clomid, and my husband got a job where he gets to be home all the time! Yay no more traveling! But we’re still in the same boat of nothing.

The stress of everything has been too much for use to bare. We’ve tried almost everything. Maybe god isn’t ready for us to be parents?

My depression has spiraled out of control. I want to be left alone at all times. My mind constantly wonders off to why I’ve been so unsuccessful at conceiving. My husband and I have been getting into arguments almost every day because we are beyond emotionally drained. We just wanted this one thing but we can’t do it. I feel like a failure. Trying to conceive has completely taken over our lives... mostly because every month we think it’ll be different, only to be met with more disappointment. A lot of times I wonder if god is even listening to my prayers on nights that I just lay in bed and cry and beg god to finally bless us with a child. All around me are friends and family getting pregnant, most on accident, yet I can’t even get pregnant on purpose. I feel like this has all caused my relationship, my marriage, my family to be on the line. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. I can’t remember the last time we laughed together. I just want to see the light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. 😔