Hi Everyone 😊

I have tried to keep my journey about the emotional struggle of FTM & TTC baby #2 short.

I hope it may help someone who is a FTM who is struggling with the emotions that may come postpartum.

We never thought we could have children however in 2016 we had a surprise & had a beautiful baby girl. I had a great pregnancy & birth.

However adjusting to being a new FTM was hard I struggled with breastfeeding had bleeding nipples from incorrect latch, lack of milk produced, the emotions of feeling like I failed her, nothing prepared me for the emotional & physical rollercoaster I was about to go through. Hair was shedding loads, body changed a lot. Pelvic floor was very weak, experienced incontinence.

It’s been hard to accept that I failed to provide breastmilk for my baby girl but I have learnt to move on with it. Breast milk or not she is healthy & thriving.

Physically things healed & got better but as a new Mom nobody tells you about all the not so nice things you go through. Midwives never shed light on how breastfeeding may be difficult, the possibility of PPD etc. The physical changes you go through such as hair loss was huge I lost a lot of my hair.

All this went on whilst we stayed with my in laws who were lovely and helped, however at times it became suffocating. And trying to breastfeed my baby to establish good latch & increase supply in private without kids / in laws coming in, there was no privacy and didn’t help, but I know they tried to help just at the time my emotions were heightened, it felt worse at the time.

My baby girl is growing so quick, never knew I could love anyone so much she amazes me everyday. But with the struggles I had at the beginning I feel like I missed out on the mother & daughter moments as I was focussed on increasing breast milk supply so she would be with husband whilst I pumped away tirelessly. Now I look back & regret the moments i may have lost with her, the extra snuggles etc.

We have decided to try for baby #2 a sibling for my baby girl & for us to add to our family. I am longing to be a mom again & feel the little baby kicks & a growing bump.

We have been trying TTC for a few months, tracking my ovulation religiously & to date nothing, no positive pregnancy tests 😢 today I tested negative.

I have decided my journey to TTC is ending today. I am tired of feeling low, envying every pregnant woman, it’s only bringing me down.

I leave it in God’s hands what’s meant to be will be. I need to focus on the beautiful blessings in my life my gorgeous girl & my husband who is my rock. I am thankful each day I wake up to my husband & baby & fortunate to snuggle them both every night. We have each other blessed with good health & love.

I have read many peoples journeys of pregnancy, TTC on here, I wish everyone peace & love 💖 & baby dust in all our direction.

God Bless x