Today my anxiety is high

I just need somewhere to let it out.

Today my anxiety is high. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe the weather, clouds rolling in and a storm on the horizon tomorrow. I have a crushing feeling on my chest and it’s been hard to breathe most of the day. I’m stressed about finishing my house, not being pregnant yet, my relationship that is amazing by the way. I don’t understand why I get this way. These soul crushing moods that make me want to disappear. It’s days like these that I feel alone. All I want to do is cuddle up with the husband and yet, I know if I did my anxiety wouldn’t fade. Take a shower, cry. Get out try to compose myself enough to walk around like a normal person. And then trying to distract myself long enough to get rid of the feeling even for a moment. The slow build of tension in my body throughout the day makes it hard to focus on anything in particular for longer than 10 minutes.

You go to the doctor, they offer you medication. Medication isn’t an option because you’re trying to get pregnant and you will have to stop the minute you are. They tell you to breath, use this app to calm yourself, try this or that. Nothing works. Because days like today the anxiety takes over. Nothing works. Nothing can calm me down to the point where I feel normal. It’s days like today that make leaving my bed hard. It makes me fear for tomorrow and what is to come. Will I be a bad mom for getting like this. Will I always have anxiety. Will I ever be fucking normal.

Days like today suck. Pure and simple. But I drag myself out of bed and go about my day as best I can to support myself and give myself a better life. In hopes that some day I won’t have a crushing feeling in my chest that crippled me in such a way that most don’t understand.