time to tell the truth

its time i tell the truth....i find pleasure in not eating. it comforts me. i know i use it as a way to punish myself. to also feel good about myself. contradictory i know. but one minute i can hate myself for the choices ive made and punish myself and tge next and i can be so happy because ive lost weight. its getting to the point where I'm startong to break down. my body os falling apart which is funny cuz if you look at me youd be like no way. im steal fat im still over weight but the truth is ive lost over 10 lbs in less than a month. I went from eating 3 meals a day to bearly eating one. i know i have a problem I am going to fix it. I am going to get vetter while at the same time learning to love myself again. today i ate two small bites of a brownie and it tasted so good. i also had 4 bites of spaghetti and a slice of garlic bread. i drank half a gallon of water. tomorrow is a new day and im gonna do better im gonna get better. the truth is i hate myself. most of you dont know this but my father has temporary custody of my son. i signed the papers because he threatened to take full custody and threatened to put me thru the mud because he could because i left my ex i started over with nothing. i knew starting over meant i wasnt able to provide for my child so i did what was best for him but i have people who were supposed to have my back and be my friends telling me i abandoned him telling me im a failure and i should have never been a mother. when here i am fighting and starving myself so i can save money to get a lawter to get custody back because lets face it my father is an asshole and truth be told letting him and his wife have custody was the worst thing that could happen. now if it was my mother and step father i would be thrilled because at least i know they wouldnt keep me from my son. so you see im bad because i hate myself. i despise myself for what happened and i feel like it was all my fault. though any dr will tell you it wasn't. and that i did what was best. but with mothers day coming up ive noticed my daily 500 calories have turned into barely 300 i burn over 2k at work so i know im killing myself. and i need to stay strong i need to get better so i can get my son back. i miss him so much. it's killing me...I'm falling apart. im everyday is a battle that i knkw i cant win. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want my son back.