I’m scared that I may have made too many mistakes

A few years ago I had an abortion. I regret it. I rushed it. Found out I was pregnant on Tuesday had the abortion on Saturday. I regret it every time I get my period. How different things would be. It nearly destroyed my relationship... and today we are not as we once were. He’s more guarded and I’m more insecure. He used to care for me on a deeper level but after the abortion I became very self destructive and hurt him badly. I’ve made so many mistakes. And now I want that baby so bad it hurts so much. It was gift and I threw it away. I’m so sorry. He used to want to marry me and have babies but now he says he doesn’t want that any more. I wish I kept that baby I truly believe it would have been the greatest blessing. I’ve ruined everything and I don’t know how to fix it. So much pain in my heart.