I am not even sure where to start this post.

We lost our baby in November. Things were hard, horrible even, but we slowly started to heal some over time. Christmas, New Years, and our 3rd year wedding anniversary came and went. Life continued on. Some days I don’t even think about it, but when I do, I still get sad. I finally had a breakdown this past Monday. I had a stomach virus and started my period on the same day. I was sick and emotional. I couldn’t get out of bed to even feed our dogs (thankfully my husband took care of them for me). As I was sitting on the toilet with that sick feeling in my stomach, it reminded me of the time I sat on the toilet while my miscarriage took place. I’ll never forget that feeling. It just broke me this week, I guess. With Mother’s Day coming up, and all the social media posts about how great it is to be a mother and to have a mother to share their grandchildren with, my heart is just breaking all over again. I have an amazing mother and mother-in-law. I want nothing more than for them to be able to enjoy their grandchildren. I just can’t give them any right now. See, I’m one of those people who likes to be in control of her life. Sure, I trust God l, and I know He will provide me with what I need when I need it. But I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that He is with my baby, and I’m not. I would have been 7 months pregnant by now. I would’ve been celebrating my first Mother’s Day. People would acknowledge that I am a mother. Today, no one recognized me as such. While I know in my heart that my precious baby is in the arms of God, I am down here completely crushed that I can’t be recognized as being a mother. One of my coworker as leaving on Friday, and she went down the hall to very sweetly tell all the mothers “happy Mother’s Day”, and when she got to my door she didn’t say anything. It made me so angry and hurt, even though she had no idea and didn’t intentionally make me feel that way.

So, to all those mothers out there who are not recognized this weekend as being mama’s...just remember how strong and amazing you are. You are a mother, and you are loved today and every day. 💜