He's gone

zuly • Married with a stepdaughter, a daughter, a baby in heaven, rainbow baby, boy with another one on the way!

First off Happy Mother's Day to all the Mama's. I need to vent a bit. Last week My doctor told me he needed to check My HCG levels do to the fact that he only saw a gestational sac and no baby. I did the blood work and did the second blood work Saturday, with levels going up by only 523. My husband and I decided to take it as good news since my levels didn't drop.

So since Mothers day was on Sunday my husband along with my dad and sister planned out my mom, big sis and my mother's day yesterday and everything was going pretty great. We had breakfast with my whole family and than my husband took me to a jewelry store to buy me a locket (ive always wanted one but never got it so this was the perfect gift for me).

After we left we went home relaxed, bought food and returned to my parents house. I was feeling some discomfort and light cramping. I went to the restroom and all of a sudden I feel something come out. I freaked out I didn't want to look so I grapped some tissue and wiped amd sure enough I saw blood. I called My husband into the restroom and when he came in I broke down crying put he stayed positive. I looked in the toilet and saw a big red blob, my big sis and mom checked too and said it was more like a blood clot. So I scooped it off and we went to the ER.

The doctor ordered blood work, an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. I was getting sharp pains everytime I bleed so he thought ectopic pregnancy but they ruled it out with the ultrasound. The doctor came back after speaking with a OBG and said he was going to send me home since the gestational sac was still attached but label it a threatened miscarriage pregnancy. I asked the doctor a bunch of questions and he seemed so hopeful for me and the pregnancy so again my husband and I were hopeful.

Well today, May 14th at 5am I woke up with the need to pee so without a second thought I went to the restroom and I felt it. I felt my baby leave my body, I didnt need to look I just knew and I held in the tears and took a few deep breaths because I didn't want to accept that after 1 year and 6 months of trying and after finding out I was finally pregnant that my happiness could be taken away faster than it came.

When I finally stood up there was bright red blood in the toilet I could see anything so I stuck my hand inside the bowl and grabbed my placenta. I cried and placed it in a small container and kept crying my husband was still hopeful though and said it was just another clot. So we got dressed and went to the ER. The doctor looked and confirmed I miscarried.

I feel empty right now I feel like someone stuck there hand inside my belly and just took my baby from me. I wanted him so bad I wanted my baby back but I couldnt do anything. They say dont blame yourself but how do you do that? Who do I blame than? How can I get closure from "it happens"?

I took a picture of my placenta (was I wrong to take a picture? No right?) I did it because they took him from me to do tests and honestly I regret giving it to them. I wanted to keep him with me is that wrong? I didnt want them to touch him let alone run test but I was honestly hoping my husband was right and that I didnt miscarry.

I'm in pain right now because that was my baby and I didn't even get the chance to feel him kick or stretch, I never got the chance to hear his heart beat, it's like I have nothing now literally.

I'm sorry for venting like this ladies but I didnt know where else I could go.