I thought it might be nice to share my story. In fuller detail in case anyone else experiences something similar.

We conceived in Oct 2018 and our miscarriage wasn’t complete until January 2019.

I knew something was wrong within a week of implantation. I had no traditional signs of pregnancy. Just the test I took. I felt pain on my lower right side. It was sharp, intense, and fleeting, not constant.

When my two year old son sat on my lap and I felt as though something had burst inside me I contact my dr and set up an appt. I was 3 wks along. They couldn’t do anything. They said they wouldn’t know if it was ectopic until it was bigger.

The pain continued. And I spotted a bit over the next few weeks.

At 9 weeks they were finally able to do an ultrasound. I wasn’t expecting much. They couldn’t find the baby they switched to a transvaginal search. It stopped growing at 6 weeks.

They wanted to wait a week to ensure it wasn’t poorly calculated gestation. We hadn’t had sex since I got pregnant due to the pain. I knew the baby was lost.

Went back a week later still no heart beat no growth.

I was sent to a “counselor” who told me I had 3 options. Natural (aka spontaneous abortion), pills (cytotek aka induced abortion), or D&C; (also considered induced abortion). She refused to spray to me about D&C; because it made her uncomfortable. She sent me home with pamphlets that contained no statistics or information regarding the safety of each procedure or recovery times or even what I might expect for each option....they wanted me to make an emotional choice. Unfortunately I did.

I was scheduled for a follow up the next week (11wks). Only to tell her I still wasn’t sure and could she explain to me both induction methods so I could make a clearer decision she refused. She told me I needed to schedule with an OB/Gyn if that’s what I wanted to discuss. She said they wouldn’t be able to get me in until a week later (which would have been 12 weeks...when most share their news)

She also said these statements during my visit:

I’ve never had a miscarriage or been pregnant so I don’t know what you’re going through.

And this one:

Which option would you like to choose?!

That turned me from composed logical adult woman to a giant blubbering puddle. I “wanted” none of this.

I was so emotional I left without scheduling and went home to talk it over with my husband. We decided to go the pill route as our insurance company refused to give a straightforward answer on what our cost would be for a d&c.; They did say the pills would cost us $6.

We did it over a weekend. I had cramps and pains and a “mini birth” I bled so heavily while I slept that I woke up in a pool of blood that would have been worthy of hollywood.

My husband and I cleaned up the blood and stripped the protective cover off the bed. I finished the remainder of the night on the floor in the kitchen so I wouldn’t soil our mattress or any other furniture or carpeting.

We thought it was over...

I bleed for 2 weeks. And finally we were happy to have it over. We thought hey not so bad. My hcg was going down. I had my annual checkup with my new primary in January. My cervical mucus was very abundant...similar to what the actual egwhite of a chicken egg would have produced. I thought to myself, the reason that baby didn’t survive is because he was alone. And all this egg white fluid meant I must have dropped two eggs in my January cycle. I was eager to try again and heal my wounds.

The Dr said it was likely ok for me to start trying. I went home and consummated with my husband. We noticed a few days later that my lab work came back at a 20hcg. It hadn’t been lower...

I was pregnant again (or so I vividly imagined). Jan 5th I went in for bleeding to the ER. Approximately a cup full or so with large clots. Since I told them I thought I had a second pregnancy, they wanted to wait a week to see if everything cleared up.

We went home. A week later I had another bleeding bout it was as if I was throwing up from the wrong end I was scared and crying. I had to change clothes 3 times before getting into the car sitting on towels. It looked as though I’d murdered someone in the bathroom. It was devastating. I was scared I was going to die.

When we got to the ER that morning (10am or so) I was sobbing hysterically. I was admitted and given a room I was calmer then. My son was eating his goldfish. I ate a few as well seeing as though I’d skipped breakfast. I laid on the bed in my gown sitting on a puppy pad that needed to be changed every 45 minutes. My son watching his iPad.

They took blood did ultra sounds...my levels were at 23. In my mind that confirmed a new pregnancy. But at 4 weeks along the levels should have been higher they’d told me.

No one told me I might need an emergency D&C.; No one told me not to eat.

My husband went to the cafeteria and brought me back lunch. The ER staff directed him. No one stopped to tell him to ask him if he was bring food for a patient.

The Dr on staff came in. He saw the half eaten sandwich. My husband had just left the room with our toddler to walk around. The Dr grilled me. “Who ate this?” “Who brought this here?” I answered politely to each question. Then he cut me off and said, “Well, if you’d wanted a D&C; you’re not getting one now. At least not for another 6 hours!”

Tears streamed down my face. I was emotional and irrational. I actually thought they could save my baby. In hind sight that was impossible.

As he finished speaking my husband came in with my son. I told him that man was not to set foot in my room again.

I was heartbroken and half naked bleeding out my baby...

I was trying to hold it together. The “first” mc I handled with a cold unemotional manner. but this “second” one...it broke me.

I told my husband to go home with our son. He’d been there all day as well and was clearly sick of it. My anesthesiologist said it’s ok that I ate as long as he knew how much. My procedure was scheduled for 6pm it would take an hour 1/2.

After leaving the ER. The surgery staff were delightful. They made me laugh. Which was a feat under the circumstances.

It was a long awful experience. But I can honestly say I’m glad I’ve experienced it. It’s helped me grow. Ive always been afraid a loss of this sort would break me. And it did. But I survived. I had a doting husband and a silly son. I made it through the worst of it.

And here I am now pregnant with my rainbow baby. Nausea, cravings, fatigue, all of the normal pregnancy symptoms that weren’t there before. Things are looking up!