What should I say... ?

Question

One of closest friends just had an MC, it was her first pregnancy after years of infertility 😢. I’m also pregnant after a year of infertility, but further along - I’m almost 17w, she was around 7-8 weeks. She texted me to let me know (she wasn’t ready to talk) and I told her I was so so sorry and sent her my love. She asked for some time and I totally understand and told her to take her time and reach out when she’s ready.
We didn’t text too much. I’m going to wait until I hear from her, but since I can’t relate (and also pregnant), I wanted to ask, for those of you that went through this, what are some of the things that gave you comfort?
Should I send her something? What else can I say when we speak again?
I know not say things like “well you can try again” or “at least everything works”, but is there anything else I can say besides I’m sorry?
I’ll also add that she is so sweet and tried to apologize for being the bearer of bad news and was worried about upsetting me(!).
Thanks! ❤️

Answer

One of my closest friends who was pregnant continued to ask how I was doing, and just let me know she was thinking of me. She reached out to me on Mother’s Day and validated that I was a mom, even after my miscarriage. She was just there without even pretending to understand what I was going through. One of my husbands cousins just dropped off flowers, another sent me a funny card. 
Just being there and letting her know you’re there is one of the biggest things.

Answer

After my MC, I wanted to know that others were thinking of me... Like your friend, I too, asked not to talk by phone and wanting a little space/time, but at the same time, I needed to know they hadn’t forgotten.  MC is a loss that’s very quiet and individual, which can suck sometimes.  I’d recommend still sending simple texts that say, “thinking of you” or similar. Also, it meant a lot to me that one friend sent a sweet card and another sent flowers.

Answer

I would say don’t wait until she reaches out to you to reach out. I had one a few years ago and then had two people who got pregnant after that who completely shied away from me. I felt like they were afraid it was going to rub off and that made me feel worse. I also had a cousin (the sister of one of the pregnant women) who wouldn’t return my calls. Only after I told her I was pregnant, has she spoken to me, and admitted that she felt bad so she avoided me. I had to explain to her that it made things worse. 
Letting her know you’re thinking of her will make her feel so much better. I had someone I used to work with who went through IF who read my blog and she sent me flowers, even though I hadn’t spoken to her in months, and that made me feel some love at a time when I really needed it. Some people don’t get it, but a miscarriage is as devastating as losing a child you held in your arms for some women; even more so for those who suffer with IF. Letting her grieve the loss of her child and empathizing with her feelings as a mother will go a long way to helping her heal.

Answer

I never had a MC but lots of fertility issues and when I was going thru that, my best friend gave me a “box of sunshine” ... it was a box like 8”x8” and had yellow items inside (a card, eos chapstick, lotion, gum, etc). It meant sooo much to me knowing she was thinking of me and goes a long way these days when someone gives a little gift like that. I might do it for my sis too going thru divorce. Just an idea on ways to try and brighten a day ☺️

Answer

I agree that even if she doesn’t want to talk you should still reach out via text and check on her every now and then. A good friend of mine went through a traumatic miscarriage a few weeks ago and she is devastated. Since it happened, we really haven’t spoken but I have been communicating with her via text and she opens up that way.

Answer

I would reach out. Even if it’s one text here and there, let her know you’re thinking of her and you’re a text or phone call away. My BFF lost her first early on and seemed fine. Quickly conceived the second and had a successful pregnancy. Through all this I was struggling to conceive and I pulled back and gave her her space. She did the same knowing my struggles and it really affected our friendship. I wasn’t there through the difficult weeks and months and neither was she. I felt alone and so did she. She both thought we were doing what was best for each other but we were both struggling in our own ways. 
Give her her space, but sending something or even reaching out each day by text to send your love will go a long way.

What should I say... ?

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