what’s wrong w my heart

I went through an physical and mental abusive relationship and I’m finally out of it and I’m finally able to do what I want. But now I can’t feel anything. I’m not happy or sad I just exist. I used to think having no feelings is better then having feelings but I’m wrong. When I was depressed right after leaving the relationship I at least was able to feel something. I haven’t cried in months and I don’t know how to. I meet men and still feel nothing. Don’t tell me I need a therapist just wanna know what the fuck is up. I just can’t feel anything at all.