My son was born on the 19th of January 2018, sleeping. He was 23 weeks gestation.

After our miscarriage in early March last year, we were delighted to fall pregnant with ease. With no problems indicated, things were running smoothly, and I mean, what could go wrong after 12 weeks? We’re past the ‘danger zone’. We had a Nuchal fold scan which came back with no anomalies and perfectly growing baby.

We waited with anticipation and excitement to see our Bub again at 19 weeks. I worked at the department where I got my ultrasound, so we knew everyone there and I was scanned by a colleague. It was so convenient! I started work after our scan and I could look up the images straight away!

Bub was being difficult and not moving where he needed to, so I was told to go and start work, shimmy, jump, have sugar, wiggle my butt, you name it and return to the ultrasound for the remaining pictures. My partner was sent home....

After the rest of the scan, I had of course asked the million dollar question, “did everything look alright from your picture perspective?” And my response was, “let me go get it reported for you now and let you know if I need to relay anything to you”.

Sitting alone in a dim room for 5-10mins, with the feeling of something that wasn’t right. In walks the radiologist and my heart drops. “I’m so sorry, there have been several anomalies picked up in your scan”. This was the lowest and loneliest I had ever been in my life. The radiologist proceeded to tell me what was wrong and cried with me. I would never change the way she told me. The worst part was, he started kicking that evening, the best part was, he was letting me know he was there.

I quit my job because I could not return to the place where my world fell apart.

We were then transferred to a specialist team to have a second scan with a professor. She also identified the anomalies and confirmed our sons fate.

Our son was born a week or so later, sleeping. Our hearts ached, but here was this beautiful sleeping angel in our arms, so calm and safe. We love baby Flynn with all our hearts, and we are happy in knowing our loved ones are looking after him.

Let me add more to the concoction of misery, I then retained product of conception, ie placenta, which then became a large 7cm clot and I was losing a lot of blood. This led us back to hospital for a week! A blessing in disguise, we got to spend a whole week with our son. Although it became toxic, becoming attached to his physical form, I wouldn’t change anything. I got to sing to him, rock him, cuddle him.

Not long after, we were lucky to fall pregnant, again!! And I’ll tell you what, this is the most relaxed I’ve ever been in a pregnancy. No worries about miscarriage, or a reoccurring chromosomal abnormality, no worries about what foods I eat (within reason). As much as we’ve gone through, which so many women do, it’s prepared us for what’s to come next. There’s no, “I want a girl” or “I want a boy!”, it’s “I just want a healthy baby!!!”

Basically my story and message is, there are so many women out there that don’t get their babies at the end. Wether it be miscarriage or stillborn, it hurts. We are all allowed to be angry, pissed off, miserable, sad, depressed. But we grow and become stronger. You know what I hate hearing? “Everything happens for a reason”. My friend recently told me, “your son gave you a gift when he left”, I started to study midwifery to help women with babies that have abnormalities. This was my gift, strength to do something that scared the crap outta me!

What I am also trying to say is, it’s not okay, but it gets easier to live with. Your child will be just as close to you as they were growing in your tummy.