just need to get my thoughts out

Alexandria β€’ πŸ’™4/10/18 πŸ‘ΌπŸ’™ HELLPS Survivor

so I packed away all of the clothes that were given to us or we bought for our son. which wasn't too much yet since I was only 26 weeks along. maybe 10 outfits/onsies, couple binkies, socks, bibs, and a blanket. I got to the Forget Me Not basket that my OB gave us when my bf told me I needed to take a break. I was trying to think and decide if I wanted to keep a few things out in the basket for a little memory/rememberence display? thing on our bookshelf. (forgive me. my brain's a little scrambled right now I can't think of the words I want to use)

I wasn't in the room but maybe 45 minutes. a few minutes to feel and admire and dream about my son wearing each outfit, a few minutes to learn to breath again, and the rest was sitting and staring at the basket that had an elephant stuffed animal, a few books on greiving, forget-me-not seeds, Rosemary seeds, strength and hope stones, and a few other little things. the whole room smells like babies. the pack n play was set up which was a used gift from friends and the same with the crib and mattress they gave us. I can't explain how comforting and yet heart breaking that smell is in my own house right now.

part of me wants to just throw everything in the box and never see it again and the other is just broken wanting Jaxson back. I know none of us know how to greive fast enough or heal up enough to "move on" but I can't help but wish that I could figure out that special magic antidote.

what makes it a little worse is that we just passed the two month mark since he took his first breath and his last. and his paternal grandmother just passed away last Wednesday. my house is full of greif. work is the only place I feel that I can breath and not think about it until someone asks how I am... and then I'm taking my lunch break way too early to cry and compose myself.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy. I need to go back to church. I need to so bad. I need something.

this year we were so happy. we were going to have a little boy, get partial custody of his older brothers, we both got promotions and raises at our work places, got a house, everything was so good and then it came crashing down... I almost died, we lost our son, we lost a mother (my bf's but she's a second mom to me), we're now in debt, everything happened in two months... I can't help but scream WHY and WHAT DID I DO to deserve all of this when we were so happy and everything was peaceful and quiet and 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭