I’m afraid I’ll never move on


I’m 17 now and I was 16 when I was raped. It’s been over 6 months since it happened and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what happened.

Some background into what happened is I was dating a guy for 3 months. He was bigger than me and stronger than me. I wasn’t afraid of him at first but after he experienced a loss he became more aggressive. I had made it clear early in the relationship that I had never been sexually involved with anyone before and I wasn’t sure I was ready to start yet. He made it seem like he understood and wouldn’t rush me. He would frequently come over to help me do some yard work and after his loss he was take advantage of the times we were alone in the house to rape me. In these situations i freeze up and I lose control of my voice so all I did was try to push him away but, again, he was bigger and stronger. Eventually the relationship ended with me starting little fights to try and get away from him because I was afraid to try to break up with him and then I had a panic attack during which I snapped at him. He suddenly decided I wasn’t worth it after that.

Since then I’ve gone to school counselors and the police. The school counselor isn’t experienced in handling these sort of things so she’s been of little help although she’s given me resources. The police dropped my case due to a lack of evidence however because it took me months to build the courage to come forward. Now I see a counselor who specializes in rape cases and I’ve got a little group of friends making sure I’m okay at school when I have to see in in the halls. But I still have panic attacks. Almost daily my chest seizes up, I have vivid flashbacks, and I can’t make it stop. I’m starting to lose hope of it ever ending. I just want my life to go back to how it was but I feel like I’m stuck in and endless loop and I’ll never be okay again. I know I’ll never be the same but I want to be okay.