“Oh just relax and enjoy being pregnant.” Sure, I will enjoy my decaf water with my iron pills and kankles.

“Feeling baby move feels so magical.” So would having a unicorn stab your who-ha but I don’t see Disney making that their next attraction.

“Aren’t you so excited your due date is almost here?” As excited as someone who will get a new puppy right after a root canal.

“Insert early motherhood or pregnancy tip here.” Sure I will totally consider doing that after you let me rip your uterus out of your chest.

“Well at least you will get some time off from work. Won’t that be nice?” Yes my new work uniform will be mismatched pajamas with various mystery stains while rocking the “mombed” hairstyle. My duties will include round the clock lactation, diaper changes, and meltdowns in front of a non-verbal boss.

“Children are such miracles” Miracles are bottomless cups of coffee or wine. Babies are a combination of hard work, science, God, and luck.

I know this is snarky and negative, but really LO will be a blessing and worth all the work in the end. People say these “uplifting things” without thinking that you might have heard the same thing 20 times today already. Or they don’t realize they are minimizing the discomfort you are feeling by painting over the situation in silver.