Today I have been feeling so ill, after vomiting once, I knew, just knew something was up. The following morning, 5 days out from my period, could not have come quick enough. It’s 5am, im blurry eyed and im peeing in a little cup to take a pregnancy test. For the past 4 months Ive been peeing on sticks, hoping, waiting. It was only this month that I cried on my partner of 4 years shoulder that I would never get pregnant. I scrub my eyes with my hands, I swear to god I can see a line forming on the test. Surely not? This month is my month? At the three minute mark there’s a faint line and im over the moon. As much as I can be for being so early in the day. My partners out of community and I make the official decision to test again tomorrow morning, using my last first response early response test to double check Im not imagining things. Throughout the day I google like crazy. I google others experiences, line progressions and being 10 dpo I am positive I will get a stronger line tomorrow. Im pregnant im pregnant I cheer in my head. Staring at that faint little line. The next morning I test again, as I open the last beautiful test packet I realise this is my last one!!.. I quickly Facebook a friend who is in town to bring me back several more, oh the joys of living in remote outback Australia!! I dip the test in a sure enough another faint line appears… of course I was a little let down that it was so faint but sure enough it was there, maybe even a little darker then last!

I ponder the thoughts of being able to tell my partner today who is snoring in his bed! But the line is so faint that Im wondering if I should tell him even though its so so early on. I think to myself, hell he helped create the baby, I want him to enjoy the experience no matter the outcome! Plus he can tell that im overthinking about it all because I get so quiet. To be sure though I post on a community forum, glow, that I tend to delete every month before my period is due because I read so many negative things that I don’t need in my life. I post my tests and sure enough everyone says its negative. Well shit. Do I tell him now or not? Going with my gut instinct, I delete the stupid app in disappointment and tell my partner when he wakes up! His reaction was suttle but still beautiful! ‘surely not already?!’ he says. ‘i told you I have good swimmers!’ my smile doesn’t leave my face the whole day and I google away best pram options, where to go for ultrasounds. Im over the moon, it is the best experience in the world!

Remembering back to when my bestie got pregnant, she had dark lines at 6 days before her period was due, I often wondered why mine weren’t the same, but id google away and sure enough a lot of women experienced the same as me. I told my best friend I was pregnant and she was so happy for me, she too couldn’t believe it! I sent photos of my faint lines and I was so stoked that she was so happy. I have to often remind myself everyone is different, maybe I implanted late, the tests pick up 6.5 miu/ml and that means im super early pregnant. My friend arrives back to community from town and hands me the tests, she says she couldn’t find the first response brands like I wanted so she bought these ones instead. I look down and its clear blue. My heart sinks a little and I know that clear blue is a higher sensitivity, I also know that there is a lot A LOT of negative stuff out there about these brands, but im still happy. I take the tests and let her know how I go in the morning. Im devastated that I just peed. My bestie told me to take one, but I knew that night urine wasn’t has good at first morning. I took one after an hour of holding and sure enough the line pops up almost instantly!! Im stoked, I send her a photo and then take a shower.

The next morning I take another, im addicted. I have an obsession and I need to stop, however I have 5 more, what can the harm be in watching your lines get darker? I took the test and this time a line popped up, however it was lighter than last night! Why? What is wrong with it? I googled away and figured it was just the makeup of the test and the dye. Im sure I’ll get a darker line tomorrow. During the day I found I was having dull aches in my lower abdomen. And I felt so faint also. I go into the clinic to get bloods, but they couldn’t find a vein to draw from so I was told to go back tomorrow. The nurse calls a midwife and asks when shes in community next and also tells her I have been taking early detection and the lines are faint but there, the midwife reassures that I am pregnant, just very early on. I go back to work happy, but slightly disappointed that I couldn’t take blood, although it wouldn’t have mattered, the bloods don’t get sent out until Friday so Monday is the only day ill be finding out if im actually pregnant. I decide that Ill test this afternoon, I have a bladder full of pee and if I got a stronger line at night, then Ill get a strong line in the afternoon, right? RIGHT? Anyways I test, the line is so faint its barely there. Im devastated. I google that any amount of water can dilute urine… I had about of litre of water during the day, last gulp being an hour or so ago. So of course that’s why it was so faint. I take the result with a grain of salt and go about my night. However, that didn’t stop my googling… chemical pregnancies. Sensitivity of tests. Miscarriages. Slow rising hcg. I googled EVERYTHING. I also deleted the apps I downloaded to talk on community forums. So much negativity I was getting so unhappy.

The morning rolls around again, again I wake up at 430, no your not testing this early again. Wait til seven, I tell myself. I fall back asleep and test at 6am.. close enough!! The result I got back was even more devastating, so faint, fainter then the last morning urine I did, but darker then yesterday afternoon. I start getting upset. Im upset that I have clearblue instead of first response, im upset I tested before my period is due, which is today. Im upset that I let myself get so excited. I google again, this time about chemical pregnancies, slow rising hcgs and what I can do about it. I question myself, whats wrong with my body? Why am I going to have a chemical pregnancy. I go cuddle my man and tell him the news, he tells me its okay, im still pregnant and there isn’t anything I can do about it for now. He’s right. He gets up for work and I lay in bed, tears beaming at the brim of my eyes. Ready to burst. No, don’t let yourself get this way, you’re not bleeding yet, you’re not spotting, it could just be the tests. It could be something else. I sit up and say a little prayer to god. I don’t pray much, Im a believer, heck im a catholic, so I know he’s listening. I pray and I ask to give me a sign that everything is going to be alright and that no matter what happens I will be strong and I will get through.

I pull up right on nine am to the clinic. It’s just opened and I start walking over, the school next door that plays brilliant music every morning to get the children out of bed and ready for the day, that blares across the community, is playing its music. The song playing? ‘Don’t worry, be happy, every little thing is going to be alright’. The tears start to return and I smile, was this gods way of telling me im going to be alright? That everything, including this little pip is going to be okay? I wasn’t sure. But Ill take it with me for the rest of the day. I got the bloods done, the nurse reassures me that sometimes branded tests go between negative and positive, for marketing purposes, and that also sometimes women have a stronger amount of HCG at night then in the morning.

I head back to work, my partners about to leave for a day trip to another community, and as I say goodbye, I couldn’t hold back my emotions anymore, I burst in to tears. I tell him all my worries. He holds me, he kisses me all over and tells me its going to be okay, we have many more opportunities to have this baby, heck we’ve only been trying for a few months. We’re not sure what will happen but we’ll be okay nonetheless. I apologise. I don’t know what for. Maybe its because I got so excited? Maybe its because its my body that will have to lose this baby. I know that there is still a good chance I might come out the other end of this week with the strongest lines, but I only have two tests left and I cant drive 8 hours to buy more? I have to wait. I have to wait for my bloods to come back and I have to wait until my period is a week late. I have to stop thinking and I have to live.

I have to live.