PTSD caused by rape

so this is my first post. growing up I was forced 2 be sexually open. my family didn't view sex as most it was something we discussed openly. however it was something that we also discussed as being the woman's responsibility. when I was 13 my stepfather started to sexually assault me and it was basically trained into me that sucks was the woman's purpose in life. women were to cook clean and bare children. when I was 17 I got out of the situation however it stayed in my head sat a woman's primary responsibility was to keep her partner sexually satisfied. my partner other deeply however was the primary part of our relationship. he had already had a child with someone else and I was considered infertile because of having polycystic ovarian syndrome as well as having endometriosis and have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer in the past. we ended up breaking up a year-and-a-half after getting together and I had found out soon after that I was pregnant. I refused to tell him I didn't want him to know I didn't want to burden him any further than he had already. after we broke up and I lost our child if he passed away during childbirth I had lost all sense of reality Sprout into a dark depression. I started going to support groups for rape counseling because I realize that I had basically been trained to be a sex slave my entire life and that no was an option I have never been taught that no was an option if your partner said spread them or we're having sex that was the end of conversation you are obligated as a wife as a partner to satisfy your mate. I've become so desperate that I'm at someone online and I started to date them and through everything sex became an issue. I never wanted it I felt no desire for it but he was abusive if I didn't give him what he wanted. I tried to leave a few times but in the end I ended up marrying him. He continued to force me to have sex with him continuously tried to get me pregnant even to the point of doing in vitro so we can have a baby. we divorced when I finally grew a backbone and I finally decided to leave. however with the partner that I have now we are discussing attempting to have a family together in the future. However what's funny about it is is that my partner now the same partner I had before my ex husband. He now has two children and just out of a relationship. And we both want to have a family however sometimes I have severe flashbacks. Some nights when we are showering and he puts his arms around me my brain starts to panic anxiety to the point where I feel nauseated. There are nights where we try to make love and I physically shut down. I never realized how your mind can interpret things and turn them so badly. my partner is willing to work with me and to do everything you can to help but it's hard to explain because I'm so scared all the time. Sometimes it's a Simple Touch of my back a simple brush of my hair a simple finger to my chin or a specific way he kisses me and it'll trigger this deep-seated anxiety fear and sadness that I cannot beat. over the course of the last few months I thought I was getting better. But the last week I have been suffering from depression so badly that I start shaking. and my weird advice is to go back to sex because at least then it's pleasurable even in its fear of driving anxiety Browning sense. I'm consistently conflicted and yet I wanted to get my story out there. I needed I supposed to open up more. people keep telling me to talk about what happened when I was little too read into what other people have dealt with. So that I'm not alone. The funny thing is is even when surrounded by people that have gone through what I have I still feel alo