How do I live without my son

I lost my son 4 months ago. I wish so hard I died on the steel table. I'm broken no one understands. I want him back it's killing my mind and body I haven't ate since his death and I'm sickly boney. I'm on medication which isn't helping I'm not suicidal I just wonder what if I just want to be with him. I would never make that action. Idk if there's a after life or he can hear me as I am in his room talking and sobbing or going to the cemetery and talking to him below my feet... I still haven't made a headstone. My bf doesn't want to try I understand but just deep down I need something I was ready for my son Kane who got ripped out of my arms and came home to his things that will never be used. Tomorrow is me and my bf 4 year Anniversary if you want to call it that and I just want to be engaged I just need something to look forward too. I was in medical school. I can't go anymore I just can't I'm fully broken. I need something positive in my life. I found an amazing opportunity with a HUGE scholarship and I can't go anymore I found out yesterday my life is just un raveling my SO doesn't understand how I feel I mean he didn't carry Kane. Am I wrong for wanting to be engaged? Wanting another baby? I mean 4 years I wished he asked I know he won't tomorrow I just wish so I can have some light in my path. The pain is getting worse my SO has no more patience for me. We got a dog well he did hoping it would help me and I would have something to take care of but she's a puppy and is hard to keep up with which just put more on my plate. Our lease is up in September I might have to move back home I'm just broken and losing everything