He guilted me into giving consent.

I dated this guy one summer. He was younger than me. It was right after my first love and I had broken up. He was a rebound. I never really liked him that much. I just didn't wanna be alone. We had sex three times and fooled around twice. Then I realized I needed to get my life back together and get back in church. I told him I didn't want to have sex anymore until I got married and he made me feel terrible about it. He kept saying that if that's what I wanted then I never should've had sex with him in the first place. He called me a tease. He said that I can't make a connection like that and just cut him off cold turkey. He constantly threatened to kill himseld every time he asked if we could do anything sexual and I'd say no. But I kept it up for a while. Then one night I was staying at his house because we'd went on vacation with his family for a week and got back that night really late and I didn't want to drive back that tired. We were talking and joking around on his bed until like 2 am when he started kissing me and touching me and asking me to have sex with him. I continuously told him no. Over and over I told him no. He just kept touching me and saying the creepiest things. I just kept saying no. He kept saying he could make me feel so good and saying I was his princess and he wanted to show me how much he loved me. I kept saying no. He dry humped me and tried to make me dry hump him. He put me on top of him and moved my body to make me dry hump him then got mad and asked why I wouldn't do it and then asked, "Why does your face look like that?" Because I was about to cry. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. He just kept trying for honest to God two hours while I just stayed frozen saying the only word I was able to say. No. He tried and tried. Then he just went ahead and put his hand down my pants after me saying no maybe a hundred times. I finally snapped out of it and grabbed his hand. I told him that he better get off me or I'd scream. He then spent the next hour saying how much he needed it and how terrible I was for not giving it to him and how he was going to kill himself and how I was not good for anything else. He told me that we wouldn't last if I stopped doing sexual things with him. He told me he was going to kill himself over and over. I just made him leave the room. The next day, he guilted me and whined and wouldn't stop making me feel like garbage, so I just let him. I couldn't say no anymore. I couldn't hear him whine about it anymore. I couldn't listen to him threaten to leave anymore. So I let him finger me. I let him suck on my boobs. I just let him. I didn't tell him no. I sure as hell didn't tell him yes. When he tried to do it, I just let him. The next night, I just wanted to go to the park. I just wanted to talk and remember our first kiss and what things used to be. Then there he started kissing me and trying to do stuff with me. I just let him. He ate me out that night and that's when I knew I had to end it. As I laid there and he did that, I held back tears. My brain screamed get off of me, but my body orgasmed. I will never understand why my body betrayed me like that. I will never understand how my heart, brain, and soul could not want something so bad and my body just orgasm. Afterwards, I didn't say a word. I just drove him home, dropped him off, and on the way back to my house I cried my eyes out. The whole way back to his house he bragged about how he made me give up on us not doing stuff anymore. He even bragged about how he made me go against God to get some from him. The next day when I ended it, in the most furious voice he said, "THIS IS BECAUSE OF LAST NIGHT, ISN'T IT?!" I lied and said no. I made up some bullshit excuse. I don't even remember what it was. But to this day I can feel him touching me sometimes. I have anxiety attacks because of it. I cry my eyes out still over it. I constantly wish I'd never met him. Now I am married with twin children. One boy and one girl. I have a stepdaughter. I love my family. Things do get better. I promise. But even after they do, if you still remember and you still cry and you still shake and you still have anxiety attacks, it's okay. You're not alone.