Just want the hope to go away now!

I’m 39. Been married for 9 years, trying for 8. Have severe MFI, mild PCOS (I don’t present any symptoms apart from multiple follicles grow every month) and have 1 failed IVF cycle done (all 5 blasts stopped developing after day 3. Couldn’t afford to do IVF again but was taking letrozole then clomid and HCG injections for luteal phase support for a year until March when we stopped all treatment. Now even though we’ve stopped and are not getting any help I still hope every month we’ll get a miracle and every month I’m devastated again. I just wish I didn’t have any hope at all now, I wish it would just go away and I could resign myself to the fact that I’m not going to be a mother. It’s hurting me more to still have hope at this point but I can’t seem to get the false hope to go away. We have nothing going for us apart from the fact that I have regular periods so how the heck do I think there’s even the smallest hope there. It’s living in denial and yet I’m aware of how naive I’m being. I just can’t stop this eternal feeling of hope. I apologise if this post brings anyone else down and can only wish BFPs on anyone else struggling but I need to get this off my chest. Infertility is the loneliest place in the world and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Nobody gets it unless they’ve been through it. Thanks to anyone who could bring themselves to read this, definitely not uplifting xx