My feelings are still valid

As a girl who is not considered fat or skinny who hates their body and obsesses over being thin it is hard. If I complain about my spots of chub some people get angry with me. I get responses like “I wish I was that small” or “oh trust me you can eat that you don’t have to worry about being big you’ve never been big”So I keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. In the off chance there is a day that I feel really good about my body then I’m not allowed to show it off or comment on that either. I’m judged because I’m too big to show off that much or I get those “must be nice” comments. Tell me what is nice about obsessing over what I’ve ate today? What is nice about an 1,100 calorie limit to lose that other 10 pounds to reach a goal you set after completing your other two? What is nice about feeling so guilty for eating something that you obsess over it until you step on a scale again ? Then those off days. The days where I feel normal. I say fuck it and enjoy food I shouldn’t. The rare days I don’t feel guilty as long as I stay under 2,000 calories. I get comments again “I’m glad to see you’re eating like a normal person.” By the next day I’m back to obsessing again.

To you I might not look like I struggle. It may seem like I have it made and I’ve been able to do whatever I want and stay a decent size. It’s not the case though. It’s never enough. Once one flaw is gone I find another to freak out about. You can’t talk about this stuff to people who don’t get it. If they are bigger they assume my thoughts or feelings are invalid because at least I’m not bigger? If they are smaller then it’s at least you have curves or you have such long legs though. Don’t forget the “well you’re taller so you’re built to be bigger”

We all struggle. We all have our own battles but stop acting like mine aren’t valid because I’m not “too” skinny or “too” fat. I find everyone beautiful. All of these people saying these things and when they share their struggle I sit there and build them up as much as possible because I understand they can’t help how they feel. I let them know I don’t see the flaws they see about themselves but no one can really share that back to me because I have to keep how I feel about myself a secret.

I could have it worse I know, and some days I’m fine. Most days I’m not fine.