Why? Why does it have to send me into a feeling of being in a black hole and can’t get out? Why does he have to make it worse every time he speaks to me? Why does he choose the words he does say to me knowing how bad my depression gets and then later acts like everything fine and dandy? When it’s not because he doesn’t realize how depressed I get. When he knows the meds are not helping anymore, or when he realizes I haven’t ate in days or wanted to get out of bed or am crying my self to sleep or why I sit in the bathtub until it’s almost feels ice cold.

- you’re dumb

- you’re stupid

- you’re lazy

- you’re acting like a two year old

- I dont love you anymore

- your family is using you but you’re too dumb to realize it

- you make me want to leave every day

What he doesn’t realize is his words are killing me inside everyday when all I do is try to be the best I can and try to over come this depression and work better at our relationship but most importantly for my self.

I want to go to counseling but I know it doesn’t help me Iv been there way to many times in my life that I know it doesn’t help.

Update 7/1

He’s leaving me. He raised his fist at me this morning for the very first time, all because I made our puppy get off the bed because he was covered in pee from peeing in his cage during the middle of the night. He told me if I did it again he would slap me. My heart broke into a million pieces when I watched his hand ball up into a fist and him raise it to punch me and then walk away saying I’m lucky I’m a girl. Where did I go wrong into making him feel this way towards me? I will now be having to find a job and tell my sister I will no longer be able to watch her kids for her so I can support my self and my three pets. I know I will have support from my family but it won’t make anything better for a while.